To My Love

Dear Tommy, my love,

First of all, I love you and miss you immensely. I wish you were here, my love.

I am trying to be strong. I know you wouldn't want it any other way. My love for you remains as deeply and as passionately as it was before that fateful day. I sleep with your shirt next to me...thankfully we didn't wash all of our laundry before heading up to the mountain that weekend. Your smell has brought me much comfort since I have returned home. I often cry the hardest when holding your shirt and pillows up to my face. These are not bad tears though, lover...they are tears of great memories, shared adventures and the love of a lifetime.

Lover...I am trying so hard to be strong.

As I take a big deep breath in while burying my face amongst your shirt, I have noticed something different. I take another big deep inhale, expanding my lungs to their maximum capacity. I can feel the air traveling in through my nose, down into my chest. I notice something different still. I am losing your smell. It is beginning to fade. My heart sinks. It is painful to think that I may never smell you again. I do not want you to be slowly erased out of my life. I cannot and will not stand for that. I just want to be able to smell your sweetness next to me in bed.

I am trying so hard to be strong for us, lover.

As your smell begins to fade next to me, my wound seems to be opening wider again. I have noticed that I tend to place my back toward your side of the bed. Almost in an effort to ignore the fact that you are not and will not physically be there. I don't like that I am doing this - it feels  weak, like I am a coward, running and hiding from the reality of my new life. I do not want to turn my back on you, my love. You remain the most important person in my life. I don't mean to turn on you.

Lover, my hugsband, I am trying so incredibly hard to be strong.

I have been sharing our story, Tommy. I hope you are okay with that. You and I both know our love was different than most....truly a once in a lifetime type of love. Soul mates if not twin flames. Sharing our story, both the love story and your physical passing has been bringing me some peace. With it bringing me peace, it tells me that you are cheering me on. Everyone says I am so amazing and strong and brave but baby, I feel like the weakest and most vulnerable person at times.

Lover, I am trying with every ounce of my being to be strong.

And then I think of you and your unconditional love and how you supported me in my endeavors, cheered me on, bragged about me. I think of your voice, those eyes that would get me down to my soul, your infectious spirit and the gentleness of your touch. All of that and more, keeps me going. The best way I can think of honoring you and us is to keep going. So, my love, that is why am trying to be so strong. I want you to be proud of me as I am so damned proud of you.

I love you with every tear in my eye, every cell in my body, my whole heart, and every molecule of my being...and I miss you so incredibly much.

All my heart,
your wife, Alison