Merriam-Webster defines grace as "a controlled, polite and pleasant way of behaving and as a disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency."
Per Wikipedia, "Divine grace has been defined as the divine influence which operates in humans to regenerate and sanctify, to inspire virtuous impulses, and to impart strength to endure trial and resist temptation; and as an individual virtue or excellence of divine origin."
I am now one month and 11 days into my journey. Yes, the loss of Tommy is still a fresh wound. In fact, some days it feels closer to dismemberment than a wound. There are other days when I can begin to see that healthy, pink fleshy tissue beginning to form around the borders of the wound - an excellent sign of proper wound healing. Then there are other days when all that I see in the wound is black, dead tissue lingering about in the middle - not the black stuff that will just slough off with a little soap and water but the stuff that will need surgical debridement before it has the slightest chance of healing. Then there are still other days when it feels like there is salt being rubbed in those wounds, opening them up until they are gaping and bleeding yet again. This journey will eventually lead to a substantial scar - one that never truly disappears but is always there as a reminder of what was.
Back to grace...For any that has experienced loss before, whether loss of a loved one, a pet, a job or a loss of confidence, you know that the stages of grieving are not always gorgeous. There are a lot of emotions, ranging from nostalgia to sadness to anger to acceptance. Those emotions and different stages of grief don't necessarily go in that order and just because you may accept the loss one day doesn't mean you won't slip back into anger or a sadness the next. Sometimes you may experience all of these emotions in a single day, leaving you emotionally and physically drained and beat up. Despite the emotional battle and struggle, all I can hope for is that I move about this journey of grief in a graceful fashion.
In my short one month and eleven day path, I have already encountered many obstacles on my journey, attempting to distract me and guide me away from grace. I have experienced the backlash from unknown individuals for being on a mountain in the first place. I have fought the feeling of needing to protect Tommy's name. I have experienced others that try to make grieving a competition. I have dealt with inappropriate questions. I have had to deal with financial decisions - which, by the way, stress me out more than anything. I have yelled, hollered even - reverting back to that hormonal teenager Alison that would periodically reach banshee mode. I have dealt with other's insecurities and insensitivities. I have had to tell other's that I am not ready to let go of ashes or belongings. I have had to jump through countless hoops on the business side of death. I have experienced all of these situations and countless more...all in one short month and eleven days and I know there will be many more obstacles down the road.
It is when these obstacles arise and I can feel myself steering away from a graceful journey and down a dark, negative, and low path...it is then that I must take a step back and regain focus on that five letter word, grace. Grace...control...polite...pleasant...kindness...courtesy...strength...endure...GRACE. Others may try to deter me from this quest; however, it is I who is in charge of my destiny and my journey. My only goal is to make this a graceful journey. My only hope is that my journey may help or inspire at least one person...making all of my vulnerabilities well worth it.
Again, as always, I love you Tommy Fountain...my best friend, my light, my husband, my smile, my world.
Here is to one graceful journey!
Much love,
Alison Fountain
No comments:
Post a Comment