Rambling on New Years Eve

 

As many people do around this time of year, I have also been reflecting on the last year. This year, 2015, was full of great times and amazing memories. We started the year with successfully overwintering quite a few crops in our raised beds. Might seem like a small feat but we were so proud of ourselves. We continued to make several gardening achievements throughout the year, all of which were big milestones for us. We finally got our beets and carrots in the right soil mixture, kept the birds away from the blueberry bushes, we got our composting down to an art and we started getting the hang of raising egg laying hens.

 

 

 

Although gardening was a big hobby for us, Tommy and I really loved to take to the mountains at any given chance. Last year was a very successful year for us. We would always like to joke around about our peaks attempted to peaks summitted ratio. For awhile there, we weren't doing so hot. It took us something like 9 attempts on Mt. Shasta before finally reaching the summit as a team. Many failures on that mountain were for weather, running out of time, or old injuries we didn't let heal appropriately due to our eager nature. In 2015 we, as a team, reached the summit of Mt. Shasta, Mt. McLoughlin, South Sister, Middle Sister, Mt. Washington, and Mt. Adams to name the bigger ones. We finally felt like we found our rhythm as a team. For the longest time, Tommy would lead and I would try to match his pace, which was almost always impossible because the more excited he became, the faster he would go! As I would try to catch up, I would get winded thus needing more breaks. And for those of you who know Tommy, he was not a fan of breaks. While we were climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro we learned a technique that the locals called "pole, pole." Pole, pole essentially means, go slowly. At first, it almost seemed painfully slow but by the end of the days we were always shocked at just how many miles and how much elevation we climbed ...the best part was, we weren't even tired. So...we adopted the pole, pole method to all of our other climbs and started kicking ass! No, we weren't the fastest, we weren't out there setting any speed records but we were strong and in sync with one another, always checking in with one another to see how the other was feeling in regards to stamina, muscle fatigue and mentality.

 

 

 

Other than our successes in the mountains, the year 2015 was also one of chasing dreams. Tommy helped to push me into actually following my dream of becoming a flight nurse the previous year and this year was his turn. Though Tommy was beyond great at his job, there was always something lacking for him. He seemed to be lacking a sense of purpose. We had several conversations in the beginning of 2015 about how he just didn't seem fulfilled. Once we started diving into this, we found that there was two things that he would love to do. One, fly helicopters with the hopes of eventually becoming a pilot for high altitude search and rescue; and two, become a mountain guide. This quest to become a pilot is what brought us to McMinnville. Tommy started flight school and that spark in his eye was never the same...he tasted it and loved it! Unfortunately, financially it became tough for Tommy to stay motivated on pursuing his flight career so he did what he does best...he solved the problem. The schooling to become a fully certified mountain guide wouldn't be nearly as expensive as flight school and there were several classes that we both needed to take anyway for our own knowledge and skill base. He was scheduled to start in January. I also ended up landing a job as a flight nurse with a very well known air medical company. Both of us were excited about what the future had in store for not only us, as a unit, but to watch each other find happiness in what we did.

 

 

 

Sprinkled amongst chasing our dreams, was other great memories throughout the year. We bought a new house. Started a new garden. Were closer to a different group of family and friends. Began exploring a new area together. Taught Penelope to ride her bike. Had great bonfires with our new neighbors. Another great Cultus Lake trip was on the books. Great memories and amazing times were had. Of course our life was not perfect either. We worried about finances, about being somewhat isolated in the new town, about being too ambitious. However, at the end of the day it was so reassuring and so beautiful to be able to lay down next to the one we loved most in the world. No matter what stressors or adventures we had just been through, we had each other and that was all we needed. It was a great year.

 

 

As I sit in reflect and look back on the good times and the struggles of 2015, I find myself giggling and crying. And it is in these moments that something else begins to creep in. A feeling of jealousy. I would like to preface what I say next with this: I know Tommy's family, friends and loved ones are all grieving and I know they all love and miss him dearly...a lot will never be the same. Now, back to this weird sense of jealousy that keeps creeping into my mind at the strangest of moments. I am jealous that despite everyone else grieving, they are blessed with the opportunity to return to their homes where their spouses and children await them. They get to return to a job where they are not tormented with reliving the events of that day in November. They get to hold, and hug, and talk to and kiss their love. They get to call them, text them, and take pictures with them. Everyone else has this opportunity of living their normal day to day lives while I am stuck here in the aftermath of losing Tommy. I come home to not a husband, but a shell of what used to be my husband. I stare at his shoes, his backpack, his clothes in the closet, his toothbrush on the sink. I listen to old voicemails or watch what view videos I have of our adventures just to see his smile or hear him talk to me. I am not proud of it but I am extremely jealous of everyone that gets to keep on going with their normal. Not proud at all.

 

 

I know in time, I too, will find a new normal but it is not here yet. I am struggling but it will come. So as a lot of the world is wishing one another a "Happy New Year," I will say, "It's a New Year." I don't know what the new year has in store for me, but I will find out one day at a time. I won't say I will find out alone for Tommy is always in my heart, he has gone nowhere.

 

 

 

 

 

Tommy, husband.....I love you.

 



A Father's Love

Tommy was an amazing father to a beautiful daughter, Penelope. Both Tommy and Penelope welcomed me into their lives so graciously and openly and I can never thank them enough for that. Although, Tommy and I only had Penelope part time, when we were all together, we were truly a family. The dynamics in the house would change a little but it was all well worth it because I got to witness something truly magical between those two. Not only did I get to be witness to this miraculous father/daughter loving relationship but I was able to become an active participant.

Here's a fun fact: Before Tommy proposed in Africa, he made sure that it was okay with Penelope who was 4 going on 5 at the time. I remember her asking me the strangest questions the months before our trip to Tanzania. She would randomly ask, "When are you going to marry my daddy?" and "Once you guys get married are you going to have babies?" I thought this kid was just confused. I kept telling her things like, "I really love your daddy but we aren't getting married yet." and "Your dad and I really, really love each other but you just don't go run and get married, it takes time Penelope." Not knowing that he had already told her the plan, I am sure I was confusing her even more. This is just one example of how Penelope was Tommy's world. I have no doubt in my mind that if Penelope had a problem with us marrying, it would not have happened. Thanks for giving your daddy the blessing, Penelope! I love you!!

I do not think it was possible to be a better father than Tommy was to Penelope. Although there was distance between the two households (Penelope's and ours), there was no lack in love. When she was with us, Tommy would teach her how to cook, to tend to the chickens, to garden, to plant her own seeds, to ride her bike, to feel a sense of accomplishment and self-pride in everything she did. As a family, we would go on hikes together, exploring the wonders of the world. From caving to rock climbing, to camping....Tommy taught Penelope a life lesson during each encounter. Even something as small or insignificant as a walk to the park, they would have meaningful conversation and Penelope could not stop telling me about what seemed like an adventure. Tommy had a way with Penelope that made every moment seem precious and priceless and beyond meaningful.

 

 

 

I admittedly have fallen down the rabbit hole of reading some of the comments that were posted on the articles regarding our accident. Knowing how good of a father Tommy was makes me very protective of what is being said about him in the universe. I have been told to not worry what others say, that all that matters is what is true and we as friends, family and loved ones know the truth. To a certain extent, I know that is true. However, a big piece of me is, quite frankly, pissed off about what is being said about Tommy. I have read things that say he was a selfish person and that if he really loved Penelope, he would have never been up there. Others have made comments about how horrible of a father he must have been. It hurts me to my core to read them. I have not revisited these pages; however, I know that negative energy is out in the universe for anyone to read and I HATE that. I hate that I cannot remove those comments. I hate that I cannot protect his name. I hate that someone could actually accuse him of that. He absolutely loved that girl and for anyone to say otherwise...well, that's just absurd. It breaks my heart that I am so helpless in saving his name and protecting his legacy. I would do anything to protect him and his name!

 

 

 

Tommy and Penelope were such a touching part of my life and as much as it hurts for me to start accepting the reality of Tommy being gone, I also have to grieve the relationship that I had with Penelope. One silly, fateful second has completely ripped apart my family. I went from a family of three .... helping to raise this beautiful child....to a 29 year old widow, living alone in a house full of memories of my lost family. One second....and now I am alone. How can the world be this cruel?

 

 

 

Daddy and Alison love you Penelope. Even though we may not be able to be together physically, we are both with you every single day.

 

 

I love you both, Tommy and Peanut, with every ounce of my being.

A Christmas Wish

It has almost been one month since Tommy passed away. Coping with the reality that he really isn't just on a long business trip is still not easy for me. Having to understand everything that has happened and attempt to grieve and cope during the holidays is not an easy task. I am here though, taking each day as it's own small goal. Sometimes my goal is to get through an hour, a minute, or even to the next breath. It is hard. It sucks. However, I do know I will eventually get through.

 

Christmas is usually a time of joy and family and love. Tommy, Penelope and I rarely celebrated Christmas in a traditional sense. We started a Christmas Extravaganza on our first Christmas together. It included whoever was unwrapping presents had to put the bow on their head somewhere and jump up and down on the ottoman while opening their present. The next year we celebrated Christmas as a family in a hotel room half way between Medford and Tulare due to my new job and Tommy still working on moving up to Medford. The next year it included hunting in the woods for our very own wild Christmas tree, followed by a scavenger hunt for presents for Penelope. That same year, Tommy and I did 12 days of Christmas for one another. We were supposed to get 12 gifts for each other and open up one a day on the 12 days leading up to Christmas. Tommy and I are both pretty impatient and excitable, so by the time Christmas came we had already handed out all of our gifts to one another. Too excited to hide them and save them for the appropriate day. This year we were going to each plan 3 vacations and present them to one another on Christmas day. On Christmas day we would pick one of the 6 trips. During the upcoming year, we were going to make that trip happen. Needless to say, we were always switching things up....keeping the spice and flame alive.

 

My only Christmas wish for this year has changed from planning the perfect vacation to just being strong enough to make it through the day. I would like to wish for Tommy to be here with me but I know it is physically impossible. I know his spirit is alive in my heart and soul but I would give up anything just to hear his voice and have his arms wrapped around me....he gave the best hugs! I would also like to know the three trips he was planning...it would be amazing if I could still take him on those trips. Guess I will have to start doing some investigative work!

 Despite the holidays being rough, not only for me but for my entire family and for Tommy's family as well, we have been able to come together and laugh and cry and smile and help one another stand tall during this time. I am beyond thankful to both of our families for being so incredibly amazing. There is no way I could make it through yesterday and today with as much grace as I hope I have exuded if it weren't for each and every one of you. I love you so much.

Merry Christmas, lover. You are everything to me and always will be. I wish there was a way I could talk to you or communicate with you. I know you are still with me. I love you, Tommy Fountain. I wish I could have you back...you deserved so many more years. I love you!

Over the Threshold

 

Going to the Funeral Home to pick up Tommy’s ashes was one of the hardest things I have had to do. It is about a 45 minute drive from the house, luckily my mom has been staying with me and drove us. I thought I could be strong and just “handle business” but even on the drive there I could feel the pain and sadness exuding out of me, even though, I had no tears. Once inside the funeral home, I still managed to maintain professionalism. I was approached by an attendant and said, “I am here to pick up Tommy.” The gentleman said he would be right back and left the room. Upon re-entering the room, the attendant was very respectfully holding Tommy’s ashes, which are in a large scattering tube with a pine trees and a snow capped mountain adorning the tube. At that moment is when the lip began to quiver, my chest hurt, and my vision became blurry due to the immense amount of tears welling up inside, just waiting for the moment to burst out and burn the skin on my cheeks. I did not want to be there. I did not want to carry the remains of my hugsband, my lover, my partner in life. A 29 year old is not supposed to have to do this. We were supposed to grow old together. In fact, just this Thanksgiving, three days before his death, we ran a 15K Turkey Trot. And at the starting line of this Turkey Trot we saw a very fit older couple that was still totally in love. Without discussing anything, we both looked over at them, looked at each other, gave each other the biggest hug ever and almost simultaneously said, “That is going to be us one day, isn’t it?” We let out a huge laugh because we frequently thought the same things, no matter how random they were, and both agreed. We couldn’t wait for that time in our lives together, still kicking asses and taking names.

 

 After being handed Tommy in his scattering tube, the attendant now wants my signature, to prove that I signed for release of his remains and assumed care of Tommy. My hand was not only shaking the most I have ever seen it but it was so weak I could barely grasp the pen. Needless to say, they have a faint resemblance of my signature on the paperwork. My mom and I somberly walk out to the car, me with Tommy embraced in my arms, my mom lovingly holding onto my arm. We decide that we need to go to a Brewery on the way home in honor of Tommy. Tommy and I were recently really getting into micro-brews and local breweries. At first, we would get a sampler tray of the breweries selection.

 

 We would take a little taster from each one and then play one of two games. One game was after we both had a chance to taste each beer we would then pick our favorites from the sampler. Whoever finished their sampler first, got to pick their next favorite. This game was fun and definitely expedited our tasting experience. The second game we would play from time to time with sampler trays was to pick our least favorite beer and try to make it taste good by adding some of the other beers to it. We would do this until all we had left were the most delicious and tasty beers on the sampler tray. And yes, we did get a lot of strange looks! By doing all these sampler trays from Brewery to Brewery we have found our love of dark beers. Me, I’m a fan of porters and stouts, especially when they mix everything delicious in the world and turn it into a beer, such as chocolate, coffee, etc. Tommy, he was a fan of anything “Imperial” but his main weakness was the Imperial Stouts. Because of our new found love of micro-brews, I mustered up the strength to go to an uncharted brewery on the way home. I enjoyed an imperial pumpkin milk stout, all the while I could not get my mind off of Tommy. He would have loved this place. After forcing myself to eat a little food as well, my mom continued the trek back home. Arriving home was the worst. All I could think about was how newlyweds frequently carry their brides over the threshold of their new home….and here I was, carrying the remains of my dead husband over the threshold. I lost it. I was consumed in full body tremors and the worst ugly cry of my life. Uncontrollable. Inconsolable. This is not what Tommy and I have always dreamed of, far from what we looked forward to as a team.

 

 

 

The Mating of Two Souls

I have been reflecting a lot lately about the love, the joy, the happiness, and even the struggles that Tommy and I were so lucky to have shared. Was our relationship perfect? No. Was it perfect for us? Absolutely...hands down, no questions asked! We had an amazing relationship with minimal bickering, believe it or not. I would like to share the story of us.

 

As many know, Tommy and I did not get the pleasure to live out a long life together. We fell hard, fast and passionately for each other and those are the same words I would use to describe everything about us. Tommy and I met online on a dating website and we would message each other, text and call each other for months before we finally met in person. I remember playing it super safe. I met Tommy at Starbucks on my way to work one day and I could remember not wanting to leave because of his infectious spirit. You just had to know more about this guy! Unfortunately, I did have to go to work. From there we would continue meeting to go to Farmer's Markets, dinners, etc. Tommy was the one that then introduced me into rock climbing and from there he continued to push me in the sport I loved, the outdoors. Several months in to our "courting," I decided I needed to go on a dating detox in order to find out what I really needed/wanted/desired out of life (don't know if you know this, but there are some super creeps on those dating websites). During my dating detox, Tommy would not leave me alone. He is very persistent! He would call, leave messages, threaten to just show up at my door...all just to see me. And yes, now he sounds like one of those super creeps...but he wasn't. He was genuine, sweet, and a perfect gentleman. In fact, I still have one of his voice mails from this time and I just listened to the other day. The message is as follows: "Hey there, how are ya? It's Tommy...I know you are going to tell me you are tired or you need to sleep but...GET UP!" A few sentences later, he says "You do know I am a salesman and can handle rejection very well. But because I am a salesman, I also don't back down until I get what I want." That last sentence pretty much sums up Tommy Fountain.

 



It is hard to deny that I had an instant connection to Tommy....but....I tried to fight it! It took 6 months for us to have our first kiss, which is another fun story in itself. To no surprise to any of you, we had our first kiss on the summit of Empire Mountain in Sequoia National Park. From that day on, we were inseparable! I would go to his apartment before work for dinner, he would pick me up to go veggie shopping, we would prep hummus plates together, and we would hike and climb and play in the mountains every chance we had. One month after our first kiss, he told me he loved me, the next month we move in together. Five months after we move in together, he proposes on the summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania. Eight months after the proposal, we were wed at the base of Mt. Rainier. We spent every chance he had in the mountains, we both had that desire to spend every waking moment in the wilderness. You either have that in you or you don't. Every Thanksgiving we would do a multi day trip in the mountains and being thankful for what the world has given us in terms of the breathtaking beauty of the wild and the love we were able to find each other. Our whole life together was spent looking for our next opportunity to get out into the mountains, it is where we truly felt alive and together and when we were out there together, everything was right in the world. We looked forward to every one of those moments.

 

There are many stories and memories that I would like to share with you one day, for right now, many of the specific stories are still much too painful for me to share. Despite the pain, I know I want to share those memories with you all for I cannot stand the pain of those memories potentially being lost.

 

I will say that Tommy was always proud of everything I did and would always push me to do better and to do more. Whether it was work related or physical goals. He was always encouraging me to pursue my flight nursing or to go back to school or to climb a harder route. No matter what it was that I was doing at the time, he would push me to be better at it, to be the best. I would frequently over hear him talking to coworkers on the phone and he would light up when telling them our next adventure plans or what I was up to at work/life or our family plans when Penelope was with us. He made me feel beautiful no matter what. It didn't matter if I just woke up from a REALLY ROUGH night or if I put on 30 pounds...in his eyes I was the most beautiful person in the world. We always had crazy ideas and believe it or not, sometimes my ideas were crazier than his and it was Tommy that would reorient me to reality but to also push us to pursue the possibility of completing my craze ideas. He would nurture my aspirations with a sense of pride mixed with reality. Hard to explain but it was amazing to have that in a partner. Speaking of partner...we did everything as a team, we were the best of partners in this crazy life. He would always say we were a power couple and there was nothing in this world that we couldn't do as long as we did it together.

Tommy, you are still with me for you are in my heart and soul. You are with me every breath I take, every sight I see, every thing I do...you are still with me. There is still nothing that we cannot do! I love you.

How A Second Makes A Difference

I'd like to start off by saying that I am not a profound writer in any way. I am not writing this blog post or any of my future blog posts in an attempt to cry for attention or to gain anything from it other than being able to let out what feelings/emotions that I tend to lock away, deep inside. I am attempting this in hopes of it to not only help myself during this long journey of grief that I have been thrown in and maybe, just maybe, my words or my stories can either help or inspire someone else.

So, let us begin...

One day, no...one second has changed my entire life. My entire world has been ripped away and flipped upside down, all in one second. Who knew one second of one day could be that powerful. I sure didn't, not until that one second occurred on Sunday, November 29, 2015 at 3:00 pm.

Maybe I should back up a little. Tommy Fountain was more than just my husband. He was more than just the love of my life. He was my rock, the one who always supported and pushed me towards my dreams and helped me achieve my ambitions, my partner in life, my climbing and mountaineering partner, my confidant, my best friend, and as cliché as it may sound, my one true love and my soul mate. He was all of this and so much more. To others he was a great friend, companion, holder of secrets, father, ex-lover, son, brother and again, so much more.

Tommy and I take an annual trip into the mountains every Thanksgiving weekend. We do not do the traditional Thanksgiving routine. Instead, we have decided that during our relationship, we will take advantage of the long weekend that he gets off of work and head to the mountains, to honor what we were both most thankful for in our lives - each other and each other's love for the outdoors.

This year we had the perfect weather window to climb Mt. Jefferson in the Oregon Cascades. Jefferson recently received quite a bit of snow followed by a nice cold snap...perfect conditions to do a little crampon work! After reviewing some route information and packing all necessary equipment and gear, off we went. The weather remained perfect for us...not a cloud in the sky, absolutely gorgeous. In fact, at one point, we were standing at the base of Jefferson Park Glacier with the summit pinnacle looming in the distance and Tommy just starts yelling, "I fucking love this mountain!" "Look at it! It's just so fucking cool! Beautiful!!" His love for the mountain and excitement over the beauty kept our spirits up and spurred us along as a team. We unfortunately, could not make it to the summit due to fatigue and we knew we should turn around before we got in a bad spot. On our decent, the unthinkable happened and Tommy slipped. Unable to self arrest due to icy conditions, Tommy tumbled over 500 feet down a steep snow/ice slope toward the glacier/crevasse field that we were not supposed to be near. He then sadly fell 60 feet into a crevasse. I will spare the details for now but we all know how the story ends. Long story short, Tommy fell at 3:00 pm, I made it down to him by 4:30 pm and Tommy unfortunately, passed away due to his injuries at 8:44 pm.  All because of one second...in that one second, maybe his crampon didn't bite, maybe the ice broke away underneath his ice axe...nobody knows what exactly happened but I do know that it was a complete accident. One that has torn my life apart.

It has been 19 days since Tommy died. The worst 19 days of my life. The longest 19 days of my life. The loneliest 19 days of my life.

Tommy Fountain, you will always be the love of my life. Nobody can love me as deeply or as passionately or as unconditionally as you. And there is nobody that can fill the emptiness in my heart for you. I love you with my entire being. I miss you so much.

Thomas "Tommy" Trevor Fountain 10/18/1983 - 11/29/2015