It has almost been one month since Tommy passed away. Coping with the reality that he really isn't just on a long business trip is still not easy for me. Having to understand everything that has happened and attempt to grieve and cope during the holidays is not an easy task. I am here though, taking each day as it's own small goal. Sometimes my goal is to get through an hour, a minute, or even to the next breath. It is hard. It sucks. However, I do know I will eventually get through.
Christmas is usually a time of joy and family and love. Tommy, Penelope and I rarely celebrated Christmas in a traditional sense. We started a Christmas Extravaganza on our first Christmas together. It included whoever was unwrapping presents had to put the bow on their head somewhere and jump up and down on the ottoman while opening their present. The next year we celebrated Christmas as a family in a hotel room half way between Medford and Tulare due to my new job and Tommy still working on moving up to Medford. The next year it included hunting in the woods for our very own wild Christmas tree, followed by a scavenger hunt for presents for Penelope. That same year, Tommy and I did 12 days of Christmas for one another. We were supposed to get 12 gifts for each other and open up one a day on the 12 days leading up to Christmas. Tommy and I are both pretty impatient and excitable, so by the time Christmas came we had already handed out all of our gifts to one another. Too excited to hide them and save them for the appropriate day. This year we were going to each plan 3 vacations and present them to one another on Christmas day. On Christmas day we would pick one of the 6 trips. During the upcoming year, we were going to make that trip happen. Needless to say, we were always switching things up....keeping the spice and flame alive.
My only Christmas wish for this year has changed from planning the perfect vacation to just being strong enough to make it through the day. I would like to wish for Tommy to be here with me but I know it is physically impossible. I know his spirit is alive in my heart and soul but I would give up anything just to hear his voice and have his arms wrapped around me....he gave the best hugs! I would also like to know the three trips he was planning...it would be amazing if I could still take him on those trips. Guess I will have to start doing some investigative work!
Despite the holidays being rough, not only for me but for my entire family and for Tommy's family as well, we have been able to come together and laugh and cry and smile and help one another stand tall during this time. I am beyond thankful to both of our families for being so incredibly amazing. There is no way I could make it through yesterday and today with as much grace as I hope I have exuded if it weren't for each and every one of you. I love you so much.
Merry Christmas, lover. You are everything to me and always will be. I wish there was a way I could talk to you or communicate with you. I know you are still with me. I love you, Tommy Fountain. I wish I could have you back...you deserved so many more years. I love you!
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