My Lover's Eyes, Taming Ghosts and Needs

'Cause there's no drink or drug I've tried
To rid the curse of these lover's eyes
And I feel numb, beneath your tongue
Your strength just makes me feel less strong

But do not ask the price I paid,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.
Should you shake my ash to the wind
Lord, forget all of my sins
Or let me die where I lie
Neath the curse of my lover's eyes.

- Mumford and Sons

There is not a day that goes by that I am not haunted by my lover's eyes....literally. There is literally not one day that goes by that I do not see Tommy holding on to dear life, staring at me with that blank look, one pupil completely dilated, the other absent and lifeless already. These aren't my lover's eyes that I want to remember on a daily basis, yet they continue to be a part of daily life. I know this is merely the image that my mind continues to go back to because it was the moment when I realized that he wasn't going to make it...that he was fucked in the worst possible way. Yes....this is a classic sign of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and we can talk about that at a later date. As you all know, I have been through something beyond horrific and tragic, to walk away from that event without a touch of PTSD would be rare. 

I would prefer if the daily image of Tommy was of him strong and full of life but those are just hopes and dreams at this point. I do reminisce quite often of our life together; yet those eyes return. 

I often think of Tommy looking down upon me and wonder what he would say regarding my journey since his death. Would he support my decisions? What would he tell me? How would he guide me? Again, just hopes. Unfortunately, I cannot rely on the wisdom of my lover. We can all guess what he would do in this situation; however, he would be the only one to actually know. Speaking of decisions, every decision I have made since his death has been critiqued, questioned or disagreed with by at least one person or another. I understand that sometimes these questions or what not are coming from a place of love, from those that truly want to see my path a little smoother. However, there are the others that for some reason or another, cannot accept my decisions and for that, I am honestly sorry. 

I am sorry if my path does not align with the needs of others. I am sorry that we have all been thrust in to this situation. I am sorry if I made a "wrong" decision. I am sorry if I have done anything to the one's I love to hurt them in any way. I am doing the best I can and I just wish others could see that and understand that. 

I do not need to be pushed to give away ashes. I do not need to be badgered for Tommy's possessions. I do not need to be critiqued on how I am living my life after admittance into the worst club on earth - the widow's club. I do not need to answer to anyone in regards to how I am spending money. I do not and will not be pushed. If this upsets anyone, I am sorry....I refuse to let anyone else dictate my process. If that makes me a horrible person, then I will own it but I think this means that I am grieving and that's okay.

What I do need is the love and support of family and friends. Family and friends that used to be around Tommy and I. I need a non-judgmental support system. A group of loved ones that has my back, whether it is to fix a hose or to go to a concert with me in memory of Tommy. I need understanding. I need distractions. I also need those around me to help me get done what needs to get done. I am walking in uncharted territory and from my experience of the past 4 months....this is what I need. 

I have ghosts and demons in my head that I have tried taming in every fashion. Let me tell you this....they are tenacious! The only time when I begin to actually believe that I have found some relief is when I am in the mountains for it is there that you must stay in the present in order to be safe and focused. Not many people will understand that and that is okay. Only a handful of people that read this will truly know the healing powers of the mountains and of nature. It is because of these ghosts in my head that I run away to the mountains so frequently. I'm looking for peace....even if it is just for the day or a moment. I am looking for ways to continue to move forward. I am looking for comfort, for life, for me. I am looking for me. 

Tommy and I and his beautiful spirit and eyes full of life and excitement lead a truly beautiful and adventurous life together. Unfortunately we both paid a pretty heavy price for the lifestyle we lived. Tommy paid with his life. I paid with the aftermath and am still paying every day I wake up. 

Well, love was kind for a time
Now just aches and it makes me blind

- Mumford and Sons

P.S. I never want to forget your eyes, lover. I just wish the ghosts in my head were full of your spirited ways and not when you were slipping away from me. If that is the only way I won't forget you then I welcome these ghosts to take permanent residence in my head. I love you forever, Tommy. I hope that I am doing everything right, not for my sake but for yours. You are such a big aspect of my life and always will be. Good night, my love!

What is Love?

 

 

I received an email from a friend the other day. A beautiful email, inquiring about love, loss, pain, etc. Here is the email I received and my response follows. It got my wheels turning in my head. Tears were cried. Memories brought up. Heaviness in my chest. Despite all these emotions, I am glad I received this thought provoking email and even more glad I found the strength to actually formulate a response...

 

I spend a lot of time thinking and one of the things I often think of is love. I want to learn what love is for me and what it is for others. 

If you could do it all over again would you? I can tell how painful the loss of Tommy was for you. I am trying to figure out if you love someone so much that the pain is so unbearable and the absence of that person impossible to deal with to the point of you wishing you never met him/her. Not only the pain that you and your daughter (I take it that's your daughter) experience now, but taking into the consideration the pain to come. 

Or is it worth the love that remains? Is the pain justified? The memories and the thoughts that still warm your heart even though he is gone. 

I am trying to understand that if someone does wish they had never met that someone special that is no longer here, do they love less? Did they love at all? Is it a different love, does love fit some kind of recognizable mould? Love and loss go hand in hand with one another due to our fragile and limited existence. 

Does a loved one only live on in our hearts, or do we experience them beyond this world? If they are out there somewhere Is our love strong enough to keep us connected?

 

My response:

 

I know a lot of people probably think they are with their soul mate and that their marriage or relationship is amazing and the best and I have no intention of taking that away from them. However, I truly believe Tommy was more than my soul mate. We were beyond happy, a perfect fit. He loved me for who I was and I loved him for who he was. We grew together as a team. We supported one another, pushed one another, inspired one another. Loving him was easy. Did we have arguments? Of course! Who can live with someone and not have little "fights" here and there. But our love for one another and for life was beyond infectious. We giggled like children, chased each other around the house, practiced our UFC moves on one another (he never let me win!), ecstatically planned our next adventures, and hated time a part from one another. He made me believe in love again...I had given up right before meeting him.

Would I do it all again? Absolutely! In a heart beat! I wouldn't trade anything for the days, months and years we spent together. Despite how immensely painful life is at the moment, I would never go back and change our relationship. Obviously, I would love to change what happened on that weekend but nobody has that power so I must continue to move forward as gracefully as I can. And the pain...oh the pain. I wish I didn't have to feel this pain, this struggle, this feeling of emptiness but I carry it around with me. I try to find strength in this pain. I try to smile through the pain. I tell myself that it only hurts this horrendously because our love was so deep, passionate and pure. I am the unluckiest lucky person around. There are billions of people that go through life without ever experiencing a love like what Tommy and I had. I would never want all of our sweet, sweet memories to not exist. As of now, our memories are beyond painful and come at me like brutal attacks on my heart and soul, debilitating me to a pile of tears. I am sure one day, they will warm my heart and soul like the flames of campfire on a summer night.

They say, "It is better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all." I am torn with this because it almost feels like a horribly mean joke that life has played on me. It honestly feels like the last 4 years of my life has been some sick and twisted joke...like my life was at the hands of a writer that just wrote this beautiful relationship between Tommy and I and then last minute changed their minds and erased/deleted our chapter. I don't know if that makes sense or if I am just rambling. Ultimately, I think they way we loved each other has changed me forever and has made me an incredibly better person. However, if I would have never known his love, I do believe I could have still found happiness somewhere. Would it have been as magnetic? I highly doubt it but then again, I wouldn't know what I was missing. I feel honored that I had the opportunity to love Tommy and be loved by Tommy but I feel an immense amount of resentment and anger at how things have panned out. I wonder if we never met one another if he would still be alive or if this was just his unfortunate path in life. I would give up knowing and loving him if it meant he would still be here for his family and for his daughter.  

As for how loving and losing someone changes how one can love again....I cannot answer that at this point in time. I have a hard time believing that I can ever be loved or love like that again; however, I know others that have lost their husbands and some are dating, some are in love and some are even married. They tell me it's definitely not the same but they are genuinely happy even though they still carry the loss and pain of losing their husbands with them. Nothing will ever be the same...I guess once you lose someone you loved so fiercely, you will never be the same again. The mountains seem different. I seem different. The house seems different. All of these things and more are completely different now and I have a feeling they will never be the same. Just need to learn what the new "normal" is and work on acceptance.

Love after death....I think it is more than possible to continue to love someone after they have passed. I know I am still early on in my journey but I know Tommy will always be in my heart and he will always have a part of mine. I feel his presence, I have woken up to feeling his touch, I try to think what he would do in situations, I try to live the life we had imagined together, and I plan to continue doing so. I would hope that one day Tommy and I could be reunited and if and when that day comes, I doubt I will have access to a computer to let you know! All we can do is hope and love and live for fun and for free!

 

Much love,

Alison Fountain

 

 

 

P.S. I would never give up a second of our time together, Tommy. I am so sorry that you are not here to experience life and the world and the wonders of the universe. I miss you so deeply. I am so sorry. I tried everything I could to save you, my beautiful husband. I love you, Tommy Fountain. I love you forever and for always. XOXO