'Cause there's no drink or drug I've tried
To rid the curse of these lover's eyes
And I feel numb, beneath your tongue
Your strength just makes me feel less strong
But do not ask the price I paid,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.
Should you shake my ash to the wind
Lord, forget all of my sins
Or let me die where I lie
Neath the curse of my lover's eyes.
- Mumford and Sons
There is not a day that goes by that I am not haunted by my lover's eyes....literally. There is literally not one day that goes by that I do not see Tommy holding on to dear life, staring at me with that blank look, one pupil completely dilated, the other absent and lifeless already. These aren't my lover's eyes that I want to remember on a daily basis, yet they continue to be a part of daily life. I know this is merely the image that my mind continues to go back to because it was the moment when I realized that he wasn't going to make it...that he was fucked in the worst possible way. Yes....this is a classic sign of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and we can talk about that at a later date. As you all know, I have been through something beyond horrific and tragic, to walk away from that event without a touch of PTSD would be rare.
I would prefer if the daily image of Tommy was of him strong and full of life but those are just hopes and dreams at this point. I do reminisce quite often of our life together; yet those eyes return.
I often think of Tommy looking down upon me and wonder what he would say regarding my journey since his death. Would he support my decisions? What would he tell me? How would he guide me? Again, just hopes. Unfortunately, I cannot rely on the wisdom of my lover. We can all guess what he would do in this situation; however, he would be the only one to actually know. Speaking of decisions, every decision I have made since his death has been critiqued, questioned or disagreed with by at least one person or another. I understand that sometimes these questions or what not are coming from a place of love, from those that truly want to see my path a little smoother. However, there are the others that for some reason or another, cannot accept my decisions and for that, I am honestly sorry.
I am sorry if my path does not align with the needs of others. I am sorry that we have all been thrust in to this situation. I am sorry if I made a "wrong" decision. I am sorry if I have done anything to the one's I love to hurt them in any way. I am doing the best I can and I just wish others could see that and understand that.
I do not need to be pushed to give away ashes. I do not need to be badgered for Tommy's possessions. I do not need to be critiqued on how I am living my life after admittance into the worst club on earth - the widow's club. I do not need to answer to anyone in regards to how I am spending money. I do not and will not be pushed. If this upsets anyone, I am sorry....I refuse to let anyone else dictate my process. If that makes me a horrible person, then I will own it but I think this means that I am grieving and that's okay.
What I do need is the love and support of family and friends. Family and friends that used to be around Tommy and I. I need a non-judgmental support system. A group of loved ones that has my back, whether it is to fix a hose or to go to a concert with me in memory of Tommy. I need understanding. I need distractions. I also need those around me to help me get done what needs to get done. I am walking in uncharted territory and from my experience of the past 4 months....this is what I need.
I have ghosts and demons in my head that I have tried taming in every fashion. Let me tell you this....they are tenacious! The only time when I begin to actually believe that I have found some relief is when I am in the mountains for it is there that you must stay in the present in order to be safe and focused. Not many people will understand that and that is okay. Only a handful of people that read this will truly know the healing powers of the mountains and of nature. It is because of these ghosts in my head that I run away to the mountains so frequently. I'm looking for peace....even if it is just for the day or a moment. I am looking for ways to continue to move forward. I am looking for comfort, for life, for me. I am looking for me.
Tommy and I and his beautiful spirit and eyes full of life and excitement lead a truly beautiful and adventurous life together. Unfortunately we both paid a pretty heavy price for the lifestyle we lived. Tommy paid with his life. I paid with the aftermath and am still paying every day I wake up.
Now just aches and it makes me blind
- Mumford and Sons
P.S. I never want to forget your eyes, lover. I just wish the ghosts in my head were full of your spirited ways and not when you were slipping away from me. If that is the only way I won't forget you then I welcome these ghosts to take permanent residence in my head. I love you forever, Tommy. I hope that I am doing everything right, not for my sake but for yours. You are such a big aspect of my life and always will be. Good night, my love!
No comments:
Post a Comment