The How To Guide

I am going to say this in confidence even though it is not fact....anyone in my situation desires, searches for, and could use a "How-To Guide" for what comes after losing your spouse, your best friend, partner in crime, your rock, your everything. Despite the searching, I have come up empty handed and I guarantee you I am not alone. There is, however, quite a bit of advice out there and I am going to be adding to that collection. I deeply wish that I could write a "How-To" guide but the funny thing about grief and this whole process that it is so individual that there cannot possibly be a "How-To" guide, no matter how strongly I wish there was one. All I can do is hope that what I have learned in the almost year that it has been since my lover, Tommy, slipped away from us all can maybe help guide or at the very least provide a little insight into "what comes next." Like I have said previously, I am not and do not claim to be a great writer. With that being said, I don't really know how to format this, so I will just go category by category of what I have learned thus far. Some of it is boring legality things and others are concerning relationships, family members, going back to work, etc.

Paperwork

Like everything important in life, even death comes with it's substantial amount of paperwork. Everyone's situation is different, but some of the basics are as follows:

• Final Arrangements: Before you even have the chance to really wrap your head around what has just happened (assuming the death was unexpected or sudden), you will have to make decisions and fill out paperwork for the funeral homes. Burial or cremation? Viewing or no viewing? To embalm or not to embalm? Oh, and hey, while you are in shock of the situation, sit down and fill out all this information for the death certificates. How many certificates do you need? I would recommend at the very least, order ten from the get go and you might find that you need even more than that! 
• Bank Accounts: Close accounts whether joint or solely in your spouse's name. Speaking from experience, if an account was only in their name, it is going to be additional hoops to jump through. You will have to go to the court to petition to become the Executor of Estate, which cannot be done right away. If I remember correctly, it couldn't be filed until a few weeks had passed from the date of death. The form was tricky for me, so I chose to have a lawyer assist me with this part and unless you are legal term savvy, I would suggest the same. Yes, it costs money and in a time when your financial life has been abruptly and drastically changed I know it can be hard to hire a lawyer but in the long run I found it beyond helpful. 
• Bills: If you and your spouse shared bill paying responsibilities, make sure everything is still getting paid, especially any auto payments that may be coming out of accounts that you have closed or planning on closing. On top of making sure bills are getting paid, start the process of getting everything into your name only - this means quite a few phone calls. Don't be surprised if you cry on the phone while making a "simple" change to the garbage bill. It will probably happen, it happened to me a lot. It's okay. The mere act of removing his or her name from household bills is another reminder in the finality of what has happened - it's okay to let those tears flow! 
• House: Don't forget the house mortgage, if you had one. Again, if it's in both names, you will have to present a death certificate in order to get his or her name off of the mortgage. Also, look through your mortgage paperwork for "Mortgage Insurance," if by chance, your spouse had that, it will pay off the remainder of the mortgage - definitely worth looking into. You will also need to physically go down to the County Clerk's office in the county where the two of you or your spouse owned property to notify them of the death - bring the death certificate with you. They will record the death and remove your spouse off of any land deed's. Not super important to knock out right away but if you ever go to sell the property, this will need to be done prior to. 
• Cars: If your spouse had a car in his name or a vehicle was in both of your names, you will need a death certificate and the title of the vehicle. Take both of these to the DMV and they will assist you with the proper form to fill out to get the vehicle in your name. This won't need to be done right away unless you are planning on selling it. 
• Taxes: Remember, you will need to still file taxes for your spouse for the year in which they passed away. I personally didn't feel comfortable filing these by myself, so I took them to a CPA to complete. It was also much easier considering Tommy died at the end of the year, right near tax season. I wasn't mentally capable of dealing with more paperwork - delegation was key for my sanity!!
• Social Security: Contact your Social Security office and notify them of the death of your spouse. You may be eligible for a Death Benefit but from my understanding this doesn't really benefit you too significantly until you reach 65 years old. With that being said, if you notify them of the death now and provide death certificate and whatever else they ask you for, it will be easier and less stressful down the road. This is also important if there are children involved, they can receive social security benefits from their deceased parent until they are 18 years old.

Returning To Work

I received a lot of advice from friends, family, and others in my life surrounding this issue. Some said it was necessary to get back to work in order to get through this horrible time of my life - that working would bring purpose back to my life and help me move forward. Others suggested returning to work to help me have a sense of normalcy during this time.

I was hesitant to return to work. My reasoning: my career as an emergency room and flight nurse struck way too close to that night on Mt. Jefferson....The sense of feeling so helpless, watching my lover die. This is what I do...I save people. I have seen these injuries before. I can fix this. However, at 9,000 feet on the side of a mountain, in a deep crevasse, in the middle of winter, my resources were extremely limited and I was rendered helpless....do what I could with what little I had, provide comfort, and other than that sit back and watch as a last breath was taken. How could I return to work? Would I freeze in a critical moment? Would the next patient that resembled Tommy's injuries bring back flashbacks, leaving me incompetent? Would I break down in the middle of a trauma, falling to my knees?

My response to the return to work comments were as follows: "Give me time." "I'm just not ready yet." "If I go back now, I think it will do more harm than good." "I need time..."

Another suggestion from a few women who had also lost their significant other's at young ages were to explore other career options, even if just temporary. I considered this. Should I give up nursing all together and explore another passion for work? Maybe become a mountain guide? Or should I get a somewhat mindless job in the interim until I feel ready to return to nursing?  Maybe pick up a restaurant job or be a barista for awhile? I seriously contemplated getting a job that had nothing to do with nursing and nothing to do with what happened on Mt Jefferson. I thought it might give me something to do, something to take my mind off of things, make the days pass a little quicker. However, I ended up deciding that my "job" was to heal and to work on myself and that's exactly what I did.

Ultimately, it's okay to disagree with other's advice. If you feel strongly about not wanting to do something and it is feasible to not do it, then don't do it. Everyone around me was urging me to go back to work. I resisted, it didn't feel right, so I didn't return until recently. I honestly believe that if I would've returned to work any sooner than I did, I would not be nearly as good as I am now - I feel like I am in a great spot in my life, despite the tragic loss that I have experienced.

Moving

I cannot tell you how many books, articles, blogs, etc about what to do after the death of your spouse would say something along the lines of this: "Do not make any major life decisions for 6 months to a year." I suppose that advice is assuming you are not in the right state of mind to do so. I think this is a good guideline to a certain extent....don't go blow your life savings on some fancy car or gambling. However, I tend to stray from this advice when it comes to moving.

Returning to the house where Tommy and I lived was painful in each and every way. Every time I pulled into that driveway, I was returning to a life that once was. A constant reminder. I saw him laying on the lawn on the day we put an offer on the house. I saw the chunk of concrete missing from our driveway when we backed the moving truck a little too far back. I would walk in to a house full of memories....pictures of our Kilimanjaro trip at the top of the stairs, a room full of his daughter's belongings, a phone ringing that would eventually be answered with his voice on the answering machine, his work gloves by the back door, a closet full of his clothes....a house full of memories. Sweet, sweet memories but in the months following his death those memories that were once so sweet became torture to the soul. As long as I wasn't home, whether I was in the mountains or just at someone else's house, I was fine....it was when I was in OUR house that I became the most depressed; some days, not getting out of bed.

It was during this time, the time of crying myself to sleep, that I had a dear friend who lost her husband a year and a half prior to Tommy's death that told me, "Move, just move, Alison." She moved a short 3 months after losing her husband and I can remember her telling me how as scary as it was, it was the best decision she ever made. I ran the idea by my mom, looking for advice, and she was pretty adamant about me waiting at least for 6 months before making a big decision like that. I depressingly stuck it out.....Right around the 6 month mark, I started looking at two different cities that I was interested in living in. Started looking at properties, what the area had to offer, employment opportunities in both areas. I found a house, small, understated, low-key, on a small piece of forest in an area I had always been drawn to. I didn't tell anyone I was going to look at it. Fell in love with it and signed papers that same day. Not only was this a big life decision, but it was the first big life decision that I have ever made truly on my own. It felt liberating. I was moving!!

The excitement quickly faded as I now had to face my fears of having to touch everything and go through everything, Tommy's belongings, our memories, etc. This was a painful process, made more painful by the fact that none of my family could help due to a family emergency out of state. Again, it was Alison against the world...battling it by myself. No big deal, I got this....right?!? I survived it with the help of a friend (Thanks MK!).

Now that I am moved in to my new place, I couldn't be happier. I have been here for about 3 months and am finally settled in. I love that it is MY space. My home, for my memories to be made. It's not that I'm trying to erase my past but more like I am setting myself up for a glorious future. I believe that moving has been the best decision I have made in this whole journey so far.

If I could give one piece of advice to anyone that unfortunately finds themselves in a similar situation, it would be this: MOVE! GET OUT OF THERE! I don't care if you move across the street or across the country, the memories and constant reminders that remain in that house will slowly and surely kill you. Just my advice though.

Continuing Relationships

This can be a tricky and touchy subject and again everyone's situation is different, everyone's coping mechanisms are different and everyone's emotional needs are different. I can tell you what I have done and what has helped me along the way but I cannot tell you what to do if you find yourself navigating the bumpy and strange road of life after loss.

Just like I am not a writer, I am also not a philosopher but I do believe that it is human nature to want to hang on to as much of the life of the one lost as we can. Maybe I didn't write that out as well as it so eloquently runs through my mind but I can elaborate a little bit. I lost my husband, instincts drove me to want to maintain every relationship that I could that could serve as a reminder of Tommy. Hang on to those relationships with as much of his family as possible. Maintain and foster those relationships with his friends and other's closest to him. In theory this sounds amazing. Who wouldn't want to be surrounded by loved ones of a lost loved one - in theory, this web of relationships should be the strongest support system that we have access to.

 Before I continue, I want to preface this with I am by no means pointing fingers or placing blame on what has transpired with familial relationships. In trying to maintain these ties to a life that once was, I found myself accepting behavior that I normally would not be okay with. Trying to hang on despite not feeling good about myself when done with a conversation. Trying to rekindle when hurtful things were said. Emotions run high, especially after an unexpected death....I get that, however, despite wanting to hang on to what was, sometimes it is healthier to let go. And maybe the distance will not be permanent, perhaps once some healing has happened on everyone's part, we can once again come together to remember a great man with a wild and passionate spirit. Until then, I have chosen to cut (for lack of better terms) anyone that doesn't support and love me fully during this crazy time. Since removing those that I felt weren't 100% supportive, loving, and genuine, I have made tons of progress in my grief process. Prior to doing this, I would experience many a tearful night trying to figure out what I have done wrong, what others want from me, why I was being mistreated, etc. Someone going through their first year after losing a spouse has so much on their plate that individuals that make you think these things do not deserve a place at your table. After making one of the hardest decisions I have ever made (distancing myself from Tommy's family and some of my own loved ones that were less than supportive), I truly feel a huge sense of relief, like a giant rock has been removed from my pack and purposefully thrown over the cliff. It saddens me deeply that, for the time being, these relationships are no more but I remain hopeful for the future. Please remember, I am not telling you to cut ties with family, but if that is truly what is bringing you down, then cut away. The most important person in this process is you! If you cannot get back on your feet, how are you expected to be there for anyone else? Get your mind right, no matter what it takes!

Speaking of continuing relationships, you will notice that in the months directly following the loss of your loved one, you will receive a lot of attention from friends, neighbors, and family. Everyone wants to make sure you are okay, some might bring meals, others may provide you with things you haven't thought of (toothpaste, pajamas, sleepy time tea, etc.) others may offer to help with housework, and others may fly out of their home state to come live with you during this transitional time. These are the people that I call the doers. They are priceless and can never be replaced...you will find that your relationship with these people will grow stronger than you ever thought was possible. Turning a coworker into a lifelong friend. Reconnecting with an already lifelong friend that you may have grown out of touch with. Creating family out of neighbors. Irreplacable. Saints.

Then there are those that may love you dearly, yet the death of your spouse has placed a cloud around you. A cloud that they don't want to get too close to. Maybe they don't know what to say. Maybe they are uncomfortable with your sadness. Maybe this death has made them look internally and made them reflect on their life and their mortality. I do not know. I cannot answer this but I do know that many will always look at you differently and for all I know, they do not even know they are doing it. Allow it. It may be how they are dealing with your situation. Allow it until it becomes hurtful, then you have my permission to call them on it. Try to be open about your feelings and maybe that will foster a conversation that will reveal what they are uncomfortable with.

Fostering New Relationships

One of the most difficult things to do once the passing of your spouse may be fostering new relationships - whether friendships or dabbling back in the dating world, it's hard! You may be different than me, in fact I know you are different than me for we are all unique creatures, but I have found this to be one of the more difficult things I have done. Picture this: you start talking to someone new, maybe over a beer and you are getting along fabulously, lots in common, laughs are had and plans are made to hang out again. Well, that doesn't sound too bad, right? A few hours or days pass, then the question comes up, "You're married?" "Were you married?" Ah, thank you Facebook! We live in a time where just about everyone will Facebook check someone new that they meet. I'm not saying it's a bad policy, it just makes things messy when you have a bunch of wedding pictures on your page and you haven't gotten around to changing that damn Relationship Status! Now, you have to tell this person that you are a 30 year old widow, that your husband is dead. Then they say, "Oh, I'm so sorry." You say, "It's okay, it's all part of life....like my girl Lana Del Rey says, 'We are all born to die.'" They look at you like you are a cold, heartless person. Some will ask what happened, tell them if you can. Some will move on like you just told them what you do for a living....I'm not sure how I feel about these people yet. If you can figure it out or if you have any insight, please let me know. From this point, it seems to mirror what I said above about friends...some will embrace it and treat you like anyone else but will be more than accepting of your story, while others will not know how to act around you, making you feel like the freak show when in fact you are not. Same goes for when you start to dabble in that dating pool, you will find that your story may be intimidating for some, they won't be able to handle it. You don't need those people and they don't deserve you. You deserve someone that is strong enough and confident enough to be with you despite your past. We are social creatures and just because we have lost someone very close and dear to us, doesn't mean we are less deserving of love again. If individuals can get married and divorced, and married and divorced and married again, then I can get married, lose my husband, and find love again. I know it may be intimidating but I deserve love again one of these days and if you are reading this and have also lost a spouse, you deserve love again too - please don't give up on love....it is such a beautiful thing!

Much love,

Alison Fountain