A Graceful Fight

I have said that I want to flow through this journey in a graceful fashion. I knew it would not always be easy. However, at times during it feels almost impossible. It seems as if whenever I make progress in one area, I slide back two in another. Right now, my obstacles include others. By no means do I intend to offend anyone for I love each and every one of you that have been with me through this journey. However, my heart is pained at times and other times I do not have the words to say. I wish I could respond perfectly to every situation. I wish I had all the answers.

I know that a lot of people are grieving the loss of a great man. We all grieve differently. Some have withdrawn from me. Maybe they don’t know what to say. Maybe seeing me is a constant reminder of what is not. Maybe I have nothing to offer them except a reminder of Tommy. Maybe they are grieving on their own. Maybe it has nothing to do with me. It is so hard at times to accept that some people may no longer be in my life because of Tommy’s death. I can only open myself up so many times before I begin to focus on why they haven’t responded or called, etc. This worry becomes turmoil, derailing me from a gracious journey. I must accept that good intentions are out there, that they know I am here for them when the time is right. I must accept that some relationships will never be the same but they can still be present and grow in a new light. I must accept that some relationships will be lost. Accept the loss, learn from it and hopefully grow from it. In potentially losing these relationships, I never want to place blame on anyone. I cannot blame myself for this loss. I cannot blame the other for this loss. It is just the nature of the beast.

Some grieve by protecting and doing. I know these individuals have beyond good intentions and have helped me in so many ways already, many ways that they may never know. Some are overprotective and in this place of good from their heart, they may overstep boundaries. With this being done out of the kindness of their heart, it is easy to forgive them and understand where they are coming from. Everyone just wants to help. I get that. However, it comes a time when I need to stand on my own two feet and all I need is love and support. I am at that place in my journey where I need to be surrounded by love and grace. Gone is the time of making checklists for me. Gone is the time of making sure I showered. Gone is the time of ensuring I ate. Gone is the time. I now need love and grace like no other. They say to surround yourself with people that inspire and motivate you, for you are more likely to become like them. My path to grace requires many graceful and lovely individuals to walk with me. I can accept that not all are ready for exuding love and grace and happiness. The grief process takes us down a long, dark road through anger and denial. My hopes are that my path can pass that exit and keep on.

I know that those that knew Tommy are all grieving. I am not necessarily special by any means. We must continue to grieve and continue to honor him in the best way that we can. I was recently told that, “Tommy wouldn’t act this way,” to which I responded, “well, maybe Tommy was a better person than I,” to which I was told, “Tommy was a better person.” Am I mad at this statement? No. Tommy definitely was the master of dealing with people. I feel like I have witnessed him delicately dance around many confrontations with friends, family and businessmen alike. Tommy had a way. He was a problem fixer by nature. Fixing problems in a way that made every party involved happy. That is definitely a gift that I do not posses but lessons can be learned. Does this make him a better person than I? No. Who is to say someone is better or not in the first place? We don’t need to be judging one another and comparing ourselves to others. We should be focusing on becoming the best versions of ourselves. I focus everyday on becoming better and stronger and more graceful than the me from yesterday. That is the only comparison that should be done. And even then…we must also forgive ourselves when yesterday’s selves kicked today’s self’s ass. It’s okay to slip up. It is in those moments that we realize what our focus really is. Is it to wallow in self pity or is to stand up and try again? I am choosing standing up. I am trying every day. I accept the person I am today and also accept the challenge to better myself.

I will continue to fight for a graceful journey. And I hope everyone else out there grieving Tommy's loss or the loss of a friend or loved one can also find grace, beauty and peace along their paths.

P.S. Tommy, I love you. I miss you. I will be better because of you.