It has been over a year since I have had the deep desire to write, to transcribe my innermost thoughts but it is time that I acknowledge them, time to face what I have been up to this past year and change.
In many ways, it has been a wonderful year. And in many ways, it has been a really difficult year.
In the pat year, I have bought a house with someone I loved, sold a house, rehabbed an injury involving surgery, started a women's group for badass women to adventure together, tragically lost my four legged friend, progressed my mountain biking, adopted a puppy, lost a job, found a job, quit said job, found myself, worked on my finances but most importantly, I loved.
As many of you know, I thought that my heart would never mend from the devastation that it has been through. I began to believe that if I could just make it in this world on my own two feet, that would be a victory in itself. I believed that if I could just smile again and genuinely enjoy life, that was a win. And forward I went - I was finding my way in this messy life of mine. I was owning my story. I was finding joy amongst the pain. I was laughing with friends. I was carefree. I was me. Then enter "Boy."
Boy was smart, funny, out going, adventurous and helpful when I was injured. Most importantly, Boy didn't seem to be bothered by my past. In fact, he seemed to welcome it. He told me of his mother, how she became widowed and how she found love again. He then told me, "maybe I could be that guy for you." I ate it up. I missed so dearly what I had lost. I missed the security of a relationship. I missed the best friend, the love, the endearing moments of the day to day, but most importantly, I missed the promise of building a future together with someone...of looking down the road of life and seeing my partner and I. Most of these things I missed, I had previously buried, thinking I didn't deserve them. Thinking that I already had my chance at a loving future. But I was intrigued with Boy, so in pure Alison fashion, I jumped in.
There was no need to test the waters with a gentle touch of the toe. We had fun together. We would dance in the kitchen with one another while making breakfast. We would sneakily indulge in a puff of a cigarette after reaching a certain buzz. We laughed. We spent time with friends, going to potlucks and live music. Why wouldn't I jump in? It was fun, it seemed carefree and it was beautiful.
As any relationship will see as time turns, issues began to arise. Some of them were to be expected when beginning to live with another person. Learning the in's and out's of another person will always come with a certain learning curve. Others should have been signs that we just weren't right for each other. It is these signs that I chose to ignore. And maybe "ignore" isn't the right word, for I did the opposite of ignore these signs. I not only acknowledged them, I tried to completely change my values, my person, my life to adapt and overcome these issues. I did this for over a year. Everything from how I prefer to spend time with my partner to how I smile, I actively changed. I put so much energy into changing my ways just to make this relationship work. I continued to change who I was for fear of losing what I had already lost, yet again.
Needless to say, Boy and I did not work out. We are both amazing individuals with good hearts; we just weren't right for eachother and that's okay. I still think highly of him and am thankful for him on so many levels. He helped me get my financial house in order and together we found the Financial Indpendence movement and ran with it. It was he who finally convinced me to quit a job I was miserable at and encourage me to pursue other options in life. He has pushed me mountain biking and kayaking, now completing things I never thought I would be doing this early on. I have learned so much from him and will be forever thankful for that.
Reflecting back, I realize that I will never have what I once had. I don't want to say that that's okay because it's not. However, I did learn a lot from the last year. I learned that I do have the capacity to let someone into my heart - I am not damaged beyond repair. In fact, it is through the breaks and the cracks that the light is allowed in. It is those that receive my love and affection, friends and intimate partners alike, that truly know how special it is. I am loyal to a fault. I love hard. No shame there! I also learned that I cannot replace what I had before that accident on Mt Jefferson. What I had was special and it was so very special because it was something that was built between Tommy and I and noone else can take his place. I need to cherish those moments that I had with him, looking back upon them with a lightness, a fondness, and a smile. I also learned that it is important to be as happy as I once was. When I think of me "happy," there is a childlike playfulness that comes about. Giggling like school kids. Truly enjoying even the most mundane of tasks. Excited for what lay around the corner. I don't need anyone to make that happen, I can do that on my own, by loving myself unconditionally and if anyone lessens this joyful spirit of mine, they are not the right person for my life or my love. I refuse to let anyone squash my silly heart. I was happy once and I will be happy once more.
It is with all of these lessons and realizations that I proudly look forward to what is next.
It has been an amazingly beautiful hard year.
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