As I pack my bags, this word, "home" keeps running through my thoughts. In a sense, I feel like by returning to the Sierra's, I am coming home. In other ways, I feel as if I am leaving our home, the home that Tommy and I made together. Then there is the home I will be returning to after I complete this trip - the same physical space that I left but one that I must now truly be alone in. I have been saved from this painful part of this journey until now - until my beautiful friend of 17 years must return to her home.
My husband, Tommy, and I have made each of our homes truly reflect the people that we are. Each has had wonderful raised garden beds, a place for the dogs, and a place for us to enjoy family time. This was the first time that we were able to really shape and mold our backyard - we worked with the builders to terrace the yard in a specific manner to allow each area to have it's own space. A chicken coop stands on the third tier - a chicken coop that Tommy built with his own two hands, complete with a shingle roof, chicken wire windows, and a weather vane on top. The chickens have been gone for a few months. I gave them away for I could not take care of them amongst my grief. The raised garden beds are still producing carrots, kale, garlic, fennel and beets to name a few - I was able to successfully overwinter them all! The dog area now has a new dog house that Tommy's brother and friend built for me recently - adorned with a replica of one of Tommy's tattoos. Our family time area has not been used since the loss of Tommy. The fire pit remains covered with a black tarp. The pillows for the seating, securely stored in the garage. The hammock and slack line taken down for the winter. Inside our home, lay constant reminders around each corner, hiding in the nooks and crannies of the life we had together and the life we were supposed to still have together. Concert tickets that I got for him for his birthday still remain on his desk - we never made it. A large picture mosaic hangs at the top of the stairs of our trip to Tanzania where he proposed. A book lay open on his desk - the book is "Mountaineering: Freedom of the Hills" and the page that has been staring me in the face is one on two person crevasse rescue. In our bedroom, a handmade banner hangs across the window that faces our bed - the banner is from our wedding and reads "Tommy <3 Bliss Sept 7, 2013 <3 Alison." On my phone a calendar reminder pops up - this weekend we had plans to attend an Avalanche 2 course at Mt. Baker. A closet full of clothes, a bar of soap in the shower, his toothbrush by the sink...all constant reminders of our life together - what it was and what it was supposed to be.
Am I ready to leave this house full of bittersweet reminders?
I am packing for a trip to the Sierra's to climb Matterhorn Peak in winter conditions. In order to pack for this, I must go through our climbing gear. Each piece of climbing equipment from carabiners to backpacks to helmets down to even socks, has a deep tie to Tommy. Not only was it with Tommy that we both grew as mountain climbers but it was in the Sierra's where our love for each other grew. We took many trips to the Sierra's while dating and as a married couple. It was in the Sierra's where we shared our first kiss. It was in the Sierra's where we made a Thanksgiving tradition. It was in the Sierra's where we grew as a couple and as a team. It was in the Sierra's where we discovered our ambitions. The Sierra's were ours. It was the Sierra's that I missed most after moving to Oregon. As I pack our gear to return to these mountains that we loved, my heart breaks once again. I am returning to our Sierra's as a widow, with Tommy only in my heart. I am taking a trip that I know he would've loved. I can only imagine what his energy would be like while packing for this trip - the whole house would be buzzing with excitement. Meanwhile, back in reality I am not quite sure what there is more of in my bag: tears or gear?
Am I ready to return home to the Sierras without my lover by my side?
Once I leave our home tomorrow, bags packed, dogs in the back of the car, my friend by my side, it will not be the same when I return. When I return, I will have to face daily live by myself. I have had a support person with me since I got off of the mountain and I am beyond thankful to everyone that has spent time with me in order to make sure that I am not alone. I have faced only a handful of things by myself since Tommy's death. I have managed small errand trips. One day trip to the mountains. I cannot imagine not having someone to help get me through the days. Until my return home, I have had someone that I can talk to when things aren't going great. Someone to hug me when one is in order. Somebody to physically fill the space next to me. I suppose it is my time.
Am I ready to return home alone?
I suppose it is time to find out what I am made of.
P.S. Lover, though you won't be with me physically, you will be with me still for you are in my heart and soul. You are with me everyday, even more so in the mountains. Cheers to an amazing trip! I love you so incredibly much.
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