As many people do around this time of year, I have also been reflecting on the last year. This year, 2015, was full of great times and amazing memories. We started the year with successfully overwintering quite a few crops in our raised beds. Might seem like a small feat but we were so proud of ourselves. We continued to make several gardening achievements throughout the year, all of which were big milestones for us. We finally got our beets and carrots in the right soil mixture, kept the birds away from the blueberry bushes, we got our composting down to an art and we started getting the hang of raising egg laying hens.
Although gardening was a big hobby for us, Tommy and I really loved to take to the mountains at any given chance. Last year was a very successful year for us. We would always like to joke around about our peaks attempted to peaks summitted ratio. For awhile there, we weren't doing so hot. It took us something like 9 attempts on Mt. Shasta before finally reaching the summit as a team. Many failures on that mountain were for weather, running out of time, or old injuries we didn't let heal appropriately due to our eager nature. In 2015 we, as a team, reached the summit of Mt. Shasta, Mt. McLoughlin, South Sister, Middle Sister, Mt. Washington, and Mt. Adams to name the bigger ones. We finally felt like we found our rhythm as a team. For the longest time, Tommy would lead and I would try to match his pace, which was almost always impossible because the more excited he became, the faster he would go! As I would try to catch up, I would get winded thus needing more breaks. And for those of you who know Tommy, he was not a fan of breaks. While we were climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro we learned a technique that the locals called "pole, pole." Pole, pole essentially means, go slowly. At first, it almost seemed painfully slow but by the end of the days we were always shocked at just how many miles and how much elevation we climbed ...the best part was, we weren't even tired. So...we adopted the pole, pole method to all of our other climbs and started kicking ass! No, we weren't the fastest, we weren't out there setting any speed records but we were strong and in sync with one another, always checking in with one another to see how the other was feeling in regards to stamina, muscle fatigue and mentality.
Other than our successes in the mountains, the year 2015 was also one of chasing dreams. Tommy helped to push me into actually following my dream of becoming a flight nurse the previous year and this year was his turn. Though Tommy was beyond great at his job, there was always something lacking for him. He seemed to be lacking a sense of purpose. We had several conversations in the beginning of 2015 about how he just didn't seem fulfilled. Once we started diving into this, we found that there was two things that he would love to do. One, fly helicopters with the hopes of eventually becoming a pilot for high altitude search and rescue; and two, become a mountain guide. This quest to become a pilot is what brought us to McMinnville. Tommy started flight school and that spark in his eye was never the same...he tasted it and loved it! Unfortunately, financially it became tough for Tommy to stay motivated on pursuing his flight career so he did what he does best...he solved the problem. The schooling to become a fully certified mountain guide wouldn't be nearly as expensive as flight school and there were several classes that we both needed to take anyway for our own knowledge and skill base. He was scheduled to start in January. I also ended up landing a job as a flight nurse with a very well known air medical company. Both of us were excited about what the future had in store for not only us, as a unit, but to watch each other find happiness in what we did.
Sprinkled amongst chasing our dreams, was other great memories throughout the year. We bought a new house. Started a new garden. Were closer to a different group of family and friends. Began exploring a new area together. Taught Penelope to ride her bike. Had great bonfires with our new neighbors. Another great Cultus Lake trip was on the books. Great memories and amazing times were had. Of course our life was not perfect either. We worried about finances, about being somewhat isolated in the new town, about being too ambitious. However, at the end of the day it was so reassuring and so beautiful to be able to lay down next to the one we loved most in the world. No matter what stressors or adventures we had just been through, we had each other and that was all we needed. It was a great year.
As I sit in reflect and look back on the good times and the struggles of 2015, I find myself giggling and crying. And it is in these moments that something else begins to creep in. A feeling of jealousy. I would like to preface what I say next with this: I know Tommy's family, friends and loved ones are all grieving and I know they all love and miss him dearly...a lot will never be the same. Now, back to this weird sense of jealousy that keeps creeping into my mind at the strangest of moments. I am jealous that despite everyone else grieving, they are blessed with the opportunity to return to their homes where their spouses and children await them. They get to return to a job where they are not tormented with reliving the events of that day in November. They get to hold, and hug, and talk to and kiss their love. They get to call them, text them, and take pictures with them. Everyone else has this opportunity of living their normal day to day lives while I am stuck here in the aftermath of losing Tommy. I come home to not a husband, but a shell of what used to be my husband. I stare at his shoes, his backpack, his clothes in the closet, his toothbrush on the sink. I listen to old voicemails or watch what view videos I have of our adventures just to see his smile or hear him talk to me. I am not proud of it but I am extremely jealous of everyone that gets to keep on going with their normal. Not proud at all.
I know in time, I too, will find a new normal but it is not here yet. I am struggling but it will come. So as a lot of the world is wishing one another a "Happy New Year," I will say, "It's a New Year." I don't know what the new year has in store for me, but I will find out one day at a time. I won't say I will find out alone for Tommy is always in my heart, he has gone nowhere.
Tommy, husband.....I love you.
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