The How To Guide

I am going to say this in confidence even though it is not fact....anyone in my situation desires, searches for, and could use a "How-To Guide" for what comes after losing your spouse, your best friend, partner in crime, your rock, your everything. Despite the searching, I have come up empty handed and I guarantee you I am not alone. There is, however, quite a bit of advice out there and I am going to be adding to that collection. I deeply wish that I could write a "How-To" guide but the funny thing about grief and this whole process that it is so individual that there cannot possibly be a "How-To" guide, no matter how strongly I wish there was one. All I can do is hope that what I have learned in the almost year that it has been since my lover, Tommy, slipped away from us all can maybe help guide or at the very least provide a little insight into "what comes next." Like I have said previously, I am not and do not claim to be a great writer. With that being said, I don't really know how to format this, so I will just go category by category of what I have learned thus far. Some of it is boring legality things and others are concerning relationships, family members, going back to work, etc.

Paperwork

Like everything important in life, even death comes with it's substantial amount of paperwork. Everyone's situation is different, but some of the basics are as follows:

• Final Arrangements: Before you even have the chance to really wrap your head around what has just happened (assuming the death was unexpected or sudden), you will have to make decisions and fill out paperwork for the funeral homes. Burial or cremation? Viewing or no viewing? To embalm or not to embalm? Oh, and hey, while you are in shock of the situation, sit down and fill out all this information for the death certificates. How many certificates do you need? I would recommend at the very least, order ten from the get go and you might find that you need even more than that! 
• Bank Accounts: Close accounts whether joint or solely in your spouse's name. Speaking from experience, if an account was only in their name, it is going to be additional hoops to jump through. You will have to go to the court to petition to become the Executor of Estate, which cannot be done right away. If I remember correctly, it couldn't be filed until a few weeks had passed from the date of death. The form was tricky for me, so I chose to have a lawyer assist me with this part and unless you are legal term savvy, I would suggest the same. Yes, it costs money and in a time when your financial life has been abruptly and drastically changed I know it can be hard to hire a lawyer but in the long run I found it beyond helpful. 
• Bills: If you and your spouse shared bill paying responsibilities, make sure everything is still getting paid, especially any auto payments that may be coming out of accounts that you have closed or planning on closing. On top of making sure bills are getting paid, start the process of getting everything into your name only - this means quite a few phone calls. Don't be surprised if you cry on the phone while making a "simple" change to the garbage bill. It will probably happen, it happened to me a lot. It's okay. The mere act of removing his or her name from household bills is another reminder in the finality of what has happened - it's okay to let those tears flow! 
• House: Don't forget the house mortgage, if you had one. Again, if it's in both names, you will have to present a death certificate in order to get his or her name off of the mortgage. Also, look through your mortgage paperwork for "Mortgage Insurance," if by chance, your spouse had that, it will pay off the remainder of the mortgage - definitely worth looking into. You will also need to physically go down to the County Clerk's office in the county where the two of you or your spouse owned property to notify them of the death - bring the death certificate with you. They will record the death and remove your spouse off of any land deed's. Not super important to knock out right away but if you ever go to sell the property, this will need to be done prior to. 
• Cars: If your spouse had a car in his name or a vehicle was in both of your names, you will need a death certificate and the title of the vehicle. Take both of these to the DMV and they will assist you with the proper form to fill out to get the vehicle in your name. This won't need to be done right away unless you are planning on selling it. 
• Taxes: Remember, you will need to still file taxes for your spouse for the year in which they passed away. I personally didn't feel comfortable filing these by myself, so I took them to a CPA to complete. It was also much easier considering Tommy died at the end of the year, right near tax season. I wasn't mentally capable of dealing with more paperwork - delegation was key for my sanity!!
• Social Security: Contact your Social Security office and notify them of the death of your spouse. You may be eligible for a Death Benefit but from my understanding this doesn't really benefit you too significantly until you reach 65 years old. With that being said, if you notify them of the death now and provide death certificate and whatever else they ask you for, it will be easier and less stressful down the road. This is also important if there are children involved, they can receive social security benefits from their deceased parent until they are 18 years old.

Returning To Work

I received a lot of advice from friends, family, and others in my life surrounding this issue. Some said it was necessary to get back to work in order to get through this horrible time of my life - that working would bring purpose back to my life and help me move forward. Others suggested returning to work to help me have a sense of normalcy during this time.

I was hesitant to return to work. My reasoning: my career as an emergency room and flight nurse struck way too close to that night on Mt. Jefferson....The sense of feeling so helpless, watching my lover die. This is what I do...I save people. I have seen these injuries before. I can fix this. However, at 9,000 feet on the side of a mountain, in a deep crevasse, in the middle of winter, my resources were extremely limited and I was rendered helpless....do what I could with what little I had, provide comfort, and other than that sit back and watch as a last breath was taken. How could I return to work? Would I freeze in a critical moment? Would the next patient that resembled Tommy's injuries bring back flashbacks, leaving me incompetent? Would I break down in the middle of a trauma, falling to my knees?

My response to the return to work comments were as follows: "Give me time." "I'm just not ready yet." "If I go back now, I think it will do more harm than good." "I need time..."

Another suggestion from a few women who had also lost their significant other's at young ages were to explore other career options, even if just temporary. I considered this. Should I give up nursing all together and explore another passion for work? Maybe become a mountain guide? Or should I get a somewhat mindless job in the interim until I feel ready to return to nursing?  Maybe pick up a restaurant job or be a barista for awhile? I seriously contemplated getting a job that had nothing to do with nursing and nothing to do with what happened on Mt Jefferson. I thought it might give me something to do, something to take my mind off of things, make the days pass a little quicker. However, I ended up deciding that my "job" was to heal and to work on myself and that's exactly what I did.

Ultimately, it's okay to disagree with other's advice. If you feel strongly about not wanting to do something and it is feasible to not do it, then don't do it. Everyone around me was urging me to go back to work. I resisted, it didn't feel right, so I didn't return until recently. I honestly believe that if I would've returned to work any sooner than I did, I would not be nearly as good as I am now - I feel like I am in a great spot in my life, despite the tragic loss that I have experienced.

Moving

I cannot tell you how many books, articles, blogs, etc about what to do after the death of your spouse would say something along the lines of this: "Do not make any major life decisions for 6 months to a year." I suppose that advice is assuming you are not in the right state of mind to do so. I think this is a good guideline to a certain extent....don't go blow your life savings on some fancy car or gambling. However, I tend to stray from this advice when it comes to moving.

Returning to the house where Tommy and I lived was painful in each and every way. Every time I pulled into that driveway, I was returning to a life that once was. A constant reminder. I saw him laying on the lawn on the day we put an offer on the house. I saw the chunk of concrete missing from our driveway when we backed the moving truck a little too far back. I would walk in to a house full of memories....pictures of our Kilimanjaro trip at the top of the stairs, a room full of his daughter's belongings, a phone ringing that would eventually be answered with his voice on the answering machine, his work gloves by the back door, a closet full of his clothes....a house full of memories. Sweet, sweet memories but in the months following his death those memories that were once so sweet became torture to the soul. As long as I wasn't home, whether I was in the mountains or just at someone else's house, I was fine....it was when I was in OUR house that I became the most depressed; some days, not getting out of bed.

It was during this time, the time of crying myself to sleep, that I had a dear friend who lost her husband a year and a half prior to Tommy's death that told me, "Move, just move, Alison." She moved a short 3 months after losing her husband and I can remember her telling me how as scary as it was, it was the best decision she ever made. I ran the idea by my mom, looking for advice, and she was pretty adamant about me waiting at least for 6 months before making a big decision like that. I depressingly stuck it out.....Right around the 6 month mark, I started looking at two different cities that I was interested in living in. Started looking at properties, what the area had to offer, employment opportunities in both areas. I found a house, small, understated, low-key, on a small piece of forest in an area I had always been drawn to. I didn't tell anyone I was going to look at it. Fell in love with it and signed papers that same day. Not only was this a big life decision, but it was the first big life decision that I have ever made truly on my own. It felt liberating. I was moving!!

The excitement quickly faded as I now had to face my fears of having to touch everything and go through everything, Tommy's belongings, our memories, etc. This was a painful process, made more painful by the fact that none of my family could help due to a family emergency out of state. Again, it was Alison against the world...battling it by myself. No big deal, I got this....right?!? I survived it with the help of a friend (Thanks MK!).

Now that I am moved in to my new place, I couldn't be happier. I have been here for about 3 months and am finally settled in. I love that it is MY space. My home, for my memories to be made. It's not that I'm trying to erase my past but more like I am setting myself up for a glorious future. I believe that moving has been the best decision I have made in this whole journey so far.

If I could give one piece of advice to anyone that unfortunately finds themselves in a similar situation, it would be this: MOVE! GET OUT OF THERE! I don't care if you move across the street or across the country, the memories and constant reminders that remain in that house will slowly and surely kill you. Just my advice though.

Continuing Relationships

This can be a tricky and touchy subject and again everyone's situation is different, everyone's coping mechanisms are different and everyone's emotional needs are different. I can tell you what I have done and what has helped me along the way but I cannot tell you what to do if you find yourself navigating the bumpy and strange road of life after loss.

Just like I am not a writer, I am also not a philosopher but I do believe that it is human nature to want to hang on to as much of the life of the one lost as we can. Maybe I didn't write that out as well as it so eloquently runs through my mind but I can elaborate a little bit. I lost my husband, instincts drove me to want to maintain every relationship that I could that could serve as a reminder of Tommy. Hang on to those relationships with as much of his family as possible. Maintain and foster those relationships with his friends and other's closest to him. In theory this sounds amazing. Who wouldn't want to be surrounded by loved ones of a lost loved one - in theory, this web of relationships should be the strongest support system that we have access to.

 Before I continue, I want to preface this with I am by no means pointing fingers or placing blame on what has transpired with familial relationships. In trying to maintain these ties to a life that once was, I found myself accepting behavior that I normally would not be okay with. Trying to hang on despite not feeling good about myself when done with a conversation. Trying to rekindle when hurtful things were said. Emotions run high, especially after an unexpected death....I get that, however, despite wanting to hang on to what was, sometimes it is healthier to let go. And maybe the distance will not be permanent, perhaps once some healing has happened on everyone's part, we can once again come together to remember a great man with a wild and passionate spirit. Until then, I have chosen to cut (for lack of better terms) anyone that doesn't support and love me fully during this crazy time. Since removing those that I felt weren't 100% supportive, loving, and genuine, I have made tons of progress in my grief process. Prior to doing this, I would experience many a tearful night trying to figure out what I have done wrong, what others want from me, why I was being mistreated, etc. Someone going through their first year after losing a spouse has so much on their plate that individuals that make you think these things do not deserve a place at your table. After making one of the hardest decisions I have ever made (distancing myself from Tommy's family and some of my own loved ones that were less than supportive), I truly feel a huge sense of relief, like a giant rock has been removed from my pack and purposefully thrown over the cliff. It saddens me deeply that, for the time being, these relationships are no more but I remain hopeful for the future. Please remember, I am not telling you to cut ties with family, but if that is truly what is bringing you down, then cut away. The most important person in this process is you! If you cannot get back on your feet, how are you expected to be there for anyone else? Get your mind right, no matter what it takes!

Speaking of continuing relationships, you will notice that in the months directly following the loss of your loved one, you will receive a lot of attention from friends, neighbors, and family. Everyone wants to make sure you are okay, some might bring meals, others may provide you with things you haven't thought of (toothpaste, pajamas, sleepy time tea, etc.) others may offer to help with housework, and others may fly out of their home state to come live with you during this transitional time. These are the people that I call the doers. They are priceless and can never be replaced...you will find that your relationship with these people will grow stronger than you ever thought was possible. Turning a coworker into a lifelong friend. Reconnecting with an already lifelong friend that you may have grown out of touch with. Creating family out of neighbors. Irreplacable. Saints.

Then there are those that may love you dearly, yet the death of your spouse has placed a cloud around you. A cloud that they don't want to get too close to. Maybe they don't know what to say. Maybe they are uncomfortable with your sadness. Maybe this death has made them look internally and made them reflect on their life and their mortality. I do not know. I cannot answer this but I do know that many will always look at you differently and for all I know, they do not even know they are doing it. Allow it. It may be how they are dealing with your situation. Allow it until it becomes hurtful, then you have my permission to call them on it. Try to be open about your feelings and maybe that will foster a conversation that will reveal what they are uncomfortable with.

Fostering New Relationships

One of the most difficult things to do once the passing of your spouse may be fostering new relationships - whether friendships or dabbling back in the dating world, it's hard! You may be different than me, in fact I know you are different than me for we are all unique creatures, but I have found this to be one of the more difficult things I have done. Picture this: you start talking to someone new, maybe over a beer and you are getting along fabulously, lots in common, laughs are had and plans are made to hang out again. Well, that doesn't sound too bad, right? A few hours or days pass, then the question comes up, "You're married?" "Were you married?" Ah, thank you Facebook! We live in a time where just about everyone will Facebook check someone new that they meet. I'm not saying it's a bad policy, it just makes things messy when you have a bunch of wedding pictures on your page and you haven't gotten around to changing that damn Relationship Status! Now, you have to tell this person that you are a 30 year old widow, that your husband is dead. Then they say, "Oh, I'm so sorry." You say, "It's okay, it's all part of life....like my girl Lana Del Rey says, 'We are all born to die.'" They look at you like you are a cold, heartless person. Some will ask what happened, tell them if you can. Some will move on like you just told them what you do for a living....I'm not sure how I feel about these people yet. If you can figure it out or if you have any insight, please let me know. From this point, it seems to mirror what I said above about friends...some will embrace it and treat you like anyone else but will be more than accepting of your story, while others will not know how to act around you, making you feel like the freak show when in fact you are not. Same goes for when you start to dabble in that dating pool, you will find that your story may be intimidating for some, they won't be able to handle it. You don't need those people and they don't deserve you. You deserve someone that is strong enough and confident enough to be with you despite your past. We are social creatures and just because we have lost someone very close and dear to us, doesn't mean we are less deserving of love again. If individuals can get married and divorced, and married and divorced and married again, then I can get married, lose my husband, and find love again. I know it may be intimidating but I deserve love again one of these days and if you are reading this and have also lost a spouse, you deserve love again too - please don't give up on love....it is such a beautiful thing!

Much love,

Alison Fountain

Oh, Nepal

As I am left with the aftermath of returning from international adventure (I'm talking about the unpacking and cleaning, here), I cannot help but reflect on the amazing country that I had the honor to become acquainted with. A two week trip to the wonderful country of Nepal has me wanting more of it's mountains and more of it's people. 

I had the great opportunity to visit the country's largest Leprosy Hospital and was beyond blown away with how they approach the disease. Not only are they promoting early prevention but they treat all stages of it from prophylaxis to the unfortunate task of amputating limbs. Their care doesn't stop there, they then assist with prosthetics and even help reintegrate the patients back into society. Due to a heavy negative stigma, many villages will oust those with Leprosy and it is very difficult for patients to find value in society again. This hospital does it all. I was beyond impressed. They are even wanting to open up a trauma program in the near future, which I have been generiously offered a position with them to help get staff trained and get the program up and running. This is a huge and heart warming commitment...What I do with it? Only time will tell. 

Throughout my stay in Nepal, I was also honored to not only meet many amazing individuals but was welcomed into their family circles. Everyone was not only welcoming and sincere but they really wanted you to be and treated you like family. I cooked for their families, they cooked for me, I was invested with their well being and them in mine. My heart was sad to leave for I left a newly formed family full of love and smiling hearts. 

Despite all of this, I must say one of the most memorable and breathtaking things about my trip to Nepal was trekking into the Khumbu Valley, the home of the great Himalayan mountains. This is the part of the trip that I have reflected the most on. Along the trek, there is many miles and many hours of silence. There are breathtaking views before you even get to the Himalayas. Gigantic and sacred rivers cutting through the valley, snaking it's way through the country side. Down to earth villages and villagers just trying to survive off of the land were sprinkled among the hillsides. Buddhist monasteries hidden among the mountains. Mani stone cairns placed along the trail to bless the path. Yaks grazing up high in the meadows right before the tree line disappears and the barren rock of the high Himalayas emerges. 

Knowing that I was at the base of all of the greats: Mt Everest, Lhotse, Island Peak, Cho Oyu and my all time favorite obsession: Ama Dablam was more than moving. The only thing missing...my climbing partner, my lover, my best friend, the man who I know would've been screaming the whole time we were immersed in the Khumbu Valley. Tommy and I had always dreamed of going to Nepal and climbing some of the greats....Cho Oyu was to be our first 8000 meter peak.I never imagined this would be how we would make it to Nepal together....me carrying his ashes in my backpack and placing him where I knew he would love. 

He now lies among the Buddhist Mani Stones in the Khumbu Valley, where on a clear day, he will be able to stare longingly at those great Himalayan mountains that we dreamed of. 

He has also taken a journey in the Dudh Koshi River, whose headwaters is at the base of Mt Everest, runs throughout the Khumbu Valley and eventually converges with the sacred Ganges River of India. Now that is one hell of a spiritual trip! During my trek, this river was always near by...in a way, so was Tommy.   

Along the trail there were many collections of Mani stones, monasteries and prayer wheels. I have always identified the most with Buddhism, it's teachings, and it's rituals. Every time we crossed a pile of mani stones or a prayer wheel, I would gently caress the stone or delicately yet with intention turn the prayer wheel, all while silently saying the "Om Mani Padme Hum" mantra and then say another one for Tommy. The prayer or mantra "Om Mani Padme Hum" is said to not be translatable as it encompasses all of the Buddhas teachings. It is a powerful prayer that can bring purity upon the soul. 

The prayers and mantras and admiration of the temples, monasteries, scenery, and rich traditions were still not enough to silence my mind. I wanted so much to be sharing theses experiences with Tommy. I wanted to hear his excitement and passion in his voice. I wanted to geek out with him on all the Buddhist relics and history. I wanted to tell stories back and forth along the trail. I wanted nothing more than to dream and explore Nepal with him. His excitement for life cannot be replaced...

Now all I can hope is that I can one day take a little piece of him to the summit of our dreams. 

As I complete my unpacking and reflecting two songs continue to run through my head. One is a Hozier song called "Foreigner's God." The part that hits me hard in the chest is " Screaming the name of a foreigner's God, the purest expression of grief." I do not consider myself a religious person...not even the slightest. Despite not being religious, I could not help but silently scream to the Buddha. I found myself drawn to the monasteries, having to slow down our trek, so I could spend time at the temples, take my time to spin the prayer wheels and run my hand along the Mani stones. I do believe, this is the purest expression of grief...

The other song is "Switzerland" by The Last Bison. If one replaces "Switzerland" with "Nepal" it sums up my feelings regarding this country. I came in hopes of giving back to a country that has been demolished and devastated by a massive earthquake yet it has given me so much more than I could ever give to it. It has more than left me with a sense of compassion and has picked me up from off the ground. I'd like to share the lyrics only because they speak loudly to me: 

Switzerland, by The Last Bison

"We tried to sleep up in the banks of snow
But soon discovered it was far too cold
So we then retreated into town
To find a place where there was level ground

Oh oh, call home
And oh oh, call home

And oh, oh Switzerland
Youʼve taken way my breath now once again
Youʼve left me with a sense of compassion
For the ones who
Can't pick themselves up off the ground

Oh Switzerland
I never thought I'd have you as a friend
I'm praying it was not at all pretend
I need you now
To help pick me up from off the ground

Our drinks were hardly worth the price we paid
But we thanked God for them anyways
And with five minutes left we broke our backs
To spend more money than either of us had

Oh oh, call home
And oh oh, call home

And oh, oh Switzerland
Youʼve taken way my breath now once again
Youʼve left me with a sense of compassion
For the ones who
Can't pick themselves up off the ground

Oh Switzerland
I never thought I'd have you as a friend
I'm praying it was not at all pretend
I need you now
To help pick me up from off the ground"

PC: Friends Adventures, Ama Dablam

P.s. We will one day stand on the top of Ama Dablam, "The Mother's Jewel Box" of the HImalayas. Cheers to more adventures, my lover! Always with me. Always mine. Always yours. I wish you were there in Nepal, my love. 

Oh, Country Music

"A good country song takes a page out of somebody's life and puts it to music." - Conway Twitty




On a recent drive, my phone wouldn't connect to the car for my playlist and I found my self stuck scanning the radio for stations. I had few options due to where I was located.....country or Banda. 

I don't mind country music, some of my favorite artists and songs are in fact country but I have found myself straying from my country roots more and more as country music is evolving to something far from what it used to be. With that being said...I chose the country music radio station.

There, I found some new songs that I did not know and some old gems that brought me back to good old times. Driving along an open freeway in the California valleys, sun shining down on me....reminiscing....singing along!

Then....Luke Bryan came on with a song called "Drink a Beer." I was not familiar with the song, but it had a great tune, so I was captivated....

"When I got the news today
I didn't know what to say
...
I took a walk to clear my head
This is where the walking led
Can't believe you're really gone
Don't feel like going home

So, I'm gonna sit right here
On the edge of this pier
And watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer

Funny how the good ones go
Too soon, but the good lord knows
...
Right now it don't make sense
I can't make it all make sense

...

So long, my friend
Until we meet again
I'll remember you
And all the times that we used to"

Man! Oh man! I listened with a heavy heart. Is there something in my eye again? Is the sun so bright, my eyes are squinting and tearing? My chest is heavy again....like something is sitting right in the center of my broken heart. My chin quivered...probably looked like a pit of an apricot. I parked my car ....took a second to push my internal "reset" button and walked into the restaurant to grab some lunch. 

I was going to eat my salad in the car so I could charge my phone to stay in contact with my family. Hopping back in the car with lunch in hand, I was beyond relieved that the song was gone and we could resume the fun country songs of my past. 

Turning on the radio...man! There was something in my eye again! Weird...another song I had never heard before but instantly recognized it as one that many friends had sent me since Tommy's death. I have successfully avoided opening up the multiple links since November yet instantly knew this was THE song. Cole Swindell's "You Should Be Here."

"You should be here, standing with your arm around me here
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y'all its sure been a good year
Its one of those moments, that's gotten your name written all over it
And you know that if I had just one wish, it'd be that you didn't have to miss this
You should be here

You'd be loving this, you'd be freaking out, you'd be smiling
I know you'd be all about what's going on right here right now

Oh you should be here"

Oh lover....the memories flooded in, my eyes welled up with those all too familiar tears. There was no fighting it this time. I quickly turned off the radio and let it happen. The time we went to Bend, chasing the Bend Ale Trail...spending 6 hours at an urban winery with the owner popping cans of Rainier instead of his wine...UFC fighting one another in our California home...caving with Penelope...spending glorious summers at Oregon's Cultus Lake....they all flooded back and so many more!

I have been afraid of the silence since November.... Afraid of what may run through my head but have learned that it really is true....you literally cannot out run your problems. Even if you think you can, they will catch up with you eventually. 

However, I was not mad at the radio...I was not mad at my memories...I embraced them. Tommy and his love will always be a part of me and I will be better and stronger for them and because of him and his influence in my life. People that are just now entering my life and those that will enter my life in the future have someone to thank ....someone they will never get the chance to meet in person but someone that they should be thankful and grateful for, for he has made me who I am today and I am sure I will only keep getting stronger because of him. 

That is the story that made me think back to country music and what it has taught me. Some of the other things I have learned from country music include:

- Trucks are awesome! Even better on dirt roads

- The outdoors is a perfect place for a pyramid of cans in the pale moon light...preferably by a river, lake or fire

- Morals are important...if you lie, cheat or steal, you just might not be happy with the consequences (think Garth Brooks "The Thunder Rolls")

- We should always be proud of being Americans...patriotism is never something to be ashamed of

- Own who you are! If you are rocking a baby on your hip with Christmas lights still up in June (thanks Gretchen Wilson) or if you are stringing together a bunch of boats on the lake to make a floating trailer park (Craig Morgan), be proud! Be proud of who you are! 

- And quite possibly the biggest lesson I have learned....you must be 100% mentally STABLE to listen to country music! It will always find your weakness!! 

P.s. I love you, Tommy. You are always in my heart and I am so thankful to you for all of the glorious memories we shared and made. My heart is heavy at times...heavy because you aren't here to make more memories with me. I am trying to make as many memories I can of grand adventures so I have one hell of a story to tell you when we meet again. Xoxo

My Lover's Eyes, Taming Ghosts and Needs

'Cause there's no drink or drug I've tried
To rid the curse of these lover's eyes
And I feel numb, beneath your tongue
Your strength just makes me feel less strong

But do not ask the price I paid,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.
Should you shake my ash to the wind
Lord, forget all of my sins
Or let me die where I lie
Neath the curse of my lover's eyes.

- Mumford and Sons

There is not a day that goes by that I am not haunted by my lover's eyes....literally. There is literally not one day that goes by that I do not see Tommy holding on to dear life, staring at me with that blank look, one pupil completely dilated, the other absent and lifeless already. These aren't my lover's eyes that I want to remember on a daily basis, yet they continue to be a part of daily life. I know this is merely the image that my mind continues to go back to because it was the moment when I realized that he wasn't going to make it...that he was fucked in the worst possible way. Yes....this is a classic sign of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and we can talk about that at a later date. As you all know, I have been through something beyond horrific and tragic, to walk away from that event without a touch of PTSD would be rare. 

I would prefer if the daily image of Tommy was of him strong and full of life but those are just hopes and dreams at this point. I do reminisce quite often of our life together; yet those eyes return. 

I often think of Tommy looking down upon me and wonder what he would say regarding my journey since his death. Would he support my decisions? What would he tell me? How would he guide me? Again, just hopes. Unfortunately, I cannot rely on the wisdom of my lover. We can all guess what he would do in this situation; however, he would be the only one to actually know. Speaking of decisions, every decision I have made since his death has been critiqued, questioned or disagreed with by at least one person or another. I understand that sometimes these questions or what not are coming from a place of love, from those that truly want to see my path a little smoother. However, there are the others that for some reason or another, cannot accept my decisions and for that, I am honestly sorry. 

I am sorry if my path does not align with the needs of others. I am sorry that we have all been thrust in to this situation. I am sorry if I made a "wrong" decision. I am sorry if I have done anything to the one's I love to hurt them in any way. I am doing the best I can and I just wish others could see that and understand that. 

I do not need to be pushed to give away ashes. I do not need to be badgered for Tommy's possessions. I do not need to be critiqued on how I am living my life after admittance into the worst club on earth - the widow's club. I do not need to answer to anyone in regards to how I am spending money. I do not and will not be pushed. If this upsets anyone, I am sorry....I refuse to let anyone else dictate my process. If that makes me a horrible person, then I will own it but I think this means that I am grieving and that's okay.

What I do need is the love and support of family and friends. Family and friends that used to be around Tommy and I. I need a non-judgmental support system. A group of loved ones that has my back, whether it is to fix a hose or to go to a concert with me in memory of Tommy. I need understanding. I need distractions. I also need those around me to help me get done what needs to get done. I am walking in uncharted territory and from my experience of the past 4 months....this is what I need. 

I have ghosts and demons in my head that I have tried taming in every fashion. Let me tell you this....they are tenacious! The only time when I begin to actually believe that I have found some relief is when I am in the mountains for it is there that you must stay in the present in order to be safe and focused. Not many people will understand that and that is okay. Only a handful of people that read this will truly know the healing powers of the mountains and of nature. It is because of these ghosts in my head that I run away to the mountains so frequently. I'm looking for peace....even if it is just for the day or a moment. I am looking for ways to continue to move forward. I am looking for comfort, for life, for me. I am looking for me. 

Tommy and I and his beautiful spirit and eyes full of life and excitement lead a truly beautiful and adventurous life together. Unfortunately we both paid a pretty heavy price for the lifestyle we lived. Tommy paid with his life. I paid with the aftermath and am still paying every day I wake up. 

Well, love was kind for a time
Now just aches and it makes me blind

- Mumford and Sons

P.S. I never want to forget your eyes, lover. I just wish the ghosts in my head were full of your spirited ways and not when you were slipping away from me. If that is the only way I won't forget you then I welcome these ghosts to take permanent residence in my head. I love you forever, Tommy. I hope that I am doing everything right, not for my sake but for yours. You are such a big aspect of my life and always will be. Good night, my love!

What is Love?

 

 

I received an email from a friend the other day. A beautiful email, inquiring about love, loss, pain, etc. Here is the email I received and my response follows. It got my wheels turning in my head. Tears were cried. Memories brought up. Heaviness in my chest. Despite all these emotions, I am glad I received this thought provoking email and even more glad I found the strength to actually formulate a response...

 

I spend a lot of time thinking and one of the things I often think of is love. I want to learn what love is for me and what it is for others. 

If you could do it all over again would you? I can tell how painful the loss of Tommy was for you. I am trying to figure out if you love someone so much that the pain is so unbearable and the absence of that person impossible to deal with to the point of you wishing you never met him/her. Not only the pain that you and your daughter (I take it that's your daughter) experience now, but taking into the consideration the pain to come. 

Or is it worth the love that remains? Is the pain justified? The memories and the thoughts that still warm your heart even though he is gone. 

I am trying to understand that if someone does wish they had never met that someone special that is no longer here, do they love less? Did they love at all? Is it a different love, does love fit some kind of recognizable mould? Love and loss go hand in hand with one another due to our fragile and limited existence. 

Does a loved one only live on in our hearts, or do we experience them beyond this world? If they are out there somewhere Is our love strong enough to keep us connected?

 

My response:

 

I know a lot of people probably think they are with their soul mate and that their marriage or relationship is amazing and the best and I have no intention of taking that away from them. However, I truly believe Tommy was more than my soul mate. We were beyond happy, a perfect fit. He loved me for who I was and I loved him for who he was. We grew together as a team. We supported one another, pushed one another, inspired one another. Loving him was easy. Did we have arguments? Of course! Who can live with someone and not have little "fights" here and there. But our love for one another and for life was beyond infectious. We giggled like children, chased each other around the house, practiced our UFC moves on one another (he never let me win!), ecstatically planned our next adventures, and hated time a part from one another. He made me believe in love again...I had given up right before meeting him.

Would I do it all again? Absolutely! In a heart beat! I wouldn't trade anything for the days, months and years we spent together. Despite how immensely painful life is at the moment, I would never go back and change our relationship. Obviously, I would love to change what happened on that weekend but nobody has that power so I must continue to move forward as gracefully as I can. And the pain...oh the pain. I wish I didn't have to feel this pain, this struggle, this feeling of emptiness but I carry it around with me. I try to find strength in this pain. I try to smile through the pain. I tell myself that it only hurts this horrendously because our love was so deep, passionate and pure. I am the unluckiest lucky person around. There are billions of people that go through life without ever experiencing a love like what Tommy and I had. I would never want all of our sweet, sweet memories to not exist. As of now, our memories are beyond painful and come at me like brutal attacks on my heart and soul, debilitating me to a pile of tears. I am sure one day, they will warm my heart and soul like the flames of campfire on a summer night.

They say, "It is better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all." I am torn with this because it almost feels like a horribly mean joke that life has played on me. It honestly feels like the last 4 years of my life has been some sick and twisted joke...like my life was at the hands of a writer that just wrote this beautiful relationship between Tommy and I and then last minute changed their minds and erased/deleted our chapter. I don't know if that makes sense or if I am just rambling. Ultimately, I think they way we loved each other has changed me forever and has made me an incredibly better person. However, if I would have never known his love, I do believe I could have still found happiness somewhere. Would it have been as magnetic? I highly doubt it but then again, I wouldn't know what I was missing. I feel honored that I had the opportunity to love Tommy and be loved by Tommy but I feel an immense amount of resentment and anger at how things have panned out. I wonder if we never met one another if he would still be alive or if this was just his unfortunate path in life. I would give up knowing and loving him if it meant he would still be here for his family and for his daughter.  

As for how loving and losing someone changes how one can love again....I cannot answer that at this point in time. I have a hard time believing that I can ever be loved or love like that again; however, I know others that have lost their husbands and some are dating, some are in love and some are even married. They tell me it's definitely not the same but they are genuinely happy even though they still carry the loss and pain of losing their husbands with them. Nothing will ever be the same...I guess once you lose someone you loved so fiercely, you will never be the same again. The mountains seem different. I seem different. The house seems different. All of these things and more are completely different now and I have a feeling they will never be the same. Just need to learn what the new "normal" is and work on acceptance.

Love after death....I think it is more than possible to continue to love someone after they have passed. I know I am still early on in my journey but I know Tommy will always be in my heart and he will always have a part of mine. I feel his presence, I have woken up to feeling his touch, I try to think what he would do in situations, I try to live the life we had imagined together, and I plan to continue doing so. I would hope that one day Tommy and I could be reunited and if and when that day comes, I doubt I will have access to a computer to let you know! All we can do is hope and love and live for fun and for free!

 

Much love,

Alison Fountain

 

 

 

P.S. I would never give up a second of our time together, Tommy. I am so sorry that you are not here to experience life and the world and the wonders of the universe. I miss you so deeply. I am so sorry. I tried everything I could to save you, my beautiful husband. I love you, Tommy Fountain. I love you forever and for always. XOXO